Christmas Is Over

What I hate most about Christmas is the parties.

I have no complaints about attending any parties (after all, I'm getting free food and it's a break from the usual monotony of life), however over the past few years they have lost their excitement and appeal. I think it's the knowlege that my family must host an equal number of parties to the number we attend. This raises the question, is it worth it? Do I seriously enjoy them?

The type of parties I go to are actually more parents social gatherings; my family go to the houses of friends families and we basically do a round-robin system of partying so everyone (in the group of friends) eventually hosts a party.

This may be the reason why it has become so tedious; the parties of parents are usually never too interesting for their offspring. I'm good friends with the kids of the other parents so boredom never used to be an issue in years past. However, I've become more mature now and the things that interested me in the past no longer interest me now; I've got Uni and A-levels on my mind while they're still into arcade games and the like.

It's a shame my friends don't organise anything on a grand scale (e.g. parties). I wish it was like America where people throw alcohol fuelled house parties on a whim...

But I digress. The worst thing about these gatherings is the gossiping. All the parents ever do is boast about the achievements to date of their children and their chances of Oxbridge (mine at the moment are very slim but it's early days).

I'm so glad it's all over for another year. Will keep this brief since there's still the New Year's Eve party to go before it's completely over, then the academic year begins.

Not Another Harry Potter Book...

OMFG!

I've just found out the new Harry Potter book is called "Harry Potter and the Dealthly Hallows"!

This revelation makes me want to inundate the fan forums with lively discussion about the philosophical undercurrent of Harry's world, discuss and map out the entire plot of the 7th book with fellow fans and have heated arguments with 14 year old girls about Harry's sexuality. Perhaps I should stalk JK Rowling until she gives me another titbit of plot.

And to wile away the dull days until the book is published, I'll draw some portraits of what I think the characters should look like and post them on Mugglenet or write a series of homo-erotic fan-fiction featuring the boy wizard.

As you no doubt gather, I'm not a big fan of JK Rowling or her books.

But my relationship with Harry Potter wasn't always like this; I used to be a massive fan. Don't laugh, but when I was around ten (and with a lot of time on my hands) I set up a relatively popular Hogwarts Role-Playing website (I cringe writing this, I'm so ashamed) on Expage.com.

Whilst writing this post, I tried revisiting Expage. It's been six years since I last visited it and it hasn't changed at all since then. Funnily enough, I was introduced to it by a paedophile (I assume it was a paedophile... it seemed a bit unlikely that I should happen to play online chess with someone similar in age who wanted to be my "friend" and send emails to eachother).

But anyway, this isn't about me... This is about Harry Potter.

As I got older, I realised that Harry Potter books were stupid and had no literary value. Not only that but what irritated me the most was how JK Rowling would reveal tiny bits of info about the plot and that would attract world wide coverage... What other author has that kind of publicity?

And she's shamelessly sold out: The crap merchandise, the rubbish games, the films... Don't get me started on the films...

It makes me sick when people say Harry Potter inspires children to read other literature. It's true that people who haven't touched a book in their life will queue up in the early hours of the morning for the books, I have nothing against that. But will reading Harry Potter lead on to classics? Or boring chic books written by Jaqueline Wilson (don't get me started on her...)? You decide.

The worst thing about Harry Potter is the legions of obsessed fan-girls it has spawned. Seriously, don't they have anything better to do than discuss the books and defend their beloved Rowling?


Pottermania doesn't just warp your mind, it makes you short-sighted as well.
I refer you to this article.

I remember visiting Potter forums at the time and despite how wrong her comments were, the fans were slagging off Terry Pratchett, saying how he was a bitter old fart who was just jealous of Rowling's success.

It makes me sick it really does. Painful memories were brought by the latest Potter news and I had to get this rant out of my system. It's really spoiled my Christmas.

Christmas Assembly

The weather may be showing no signs of snow and the neighbouring houses may be dark and depressing; however, an indication that Christmas has begun for me is when the school finally breaks up for half-term (a week-long holiday).

The school always try to end the term on a high-note, especially so near Christmas which is why it is compulsory for all of us (the student body) to attend the dreaded "Christmas Assemby". An hour of Christmassy entertainment and jovial music that the teachers have cooked up in the spirit of the season.

Take assemblies. Normally taking place in the morning, when most students aren't yet functioning correctly due to lack of sleep. The teachers begin by giving long and pointless anecdotes and speeches about the topic of the week (forgiveness, love thy neighbour, exams are important. The usual motivating crap) which no one pays attention to. Occasionally, we are even forced to sing Christian hymns. On rare occasions a charity speaker comes and gives us a talk, which compounds the boredom and we all give polite applause at the end.

Fifteen minutes it usually takes and these precious fifteen minutes of my life are wasted every day with this mind-numbing routine.

So imagine the horror of it all when you take all this and add Christmas to it. Imagine a stunted Christmas tree with tacky decorations on stage; imagine amateur musicians playing tunes out of key; imagine one thousand two hundred students cramped in a confined space, all bored out of their minds.

Pretty bad huh? Well it gets worse.

What happens when one thousand two hundred teenagers are bored? Do they sit there with blank expressions on their faces? Hell no. Do they sit there and make a valiant attempt to enjoy themselves? Kind of. Do they create alternative entertainment? Oh yes.

What sort of "alternative" entertainment was this? People sang songs deliberately out of tune for a laugh (the crazy stuff we do...), others tried to inflict pain to the people surrounding them. I had my schoolbag passed around several rows in some kind of warped pass-the-parcel game my peers had concocted. A friend of mine was wrapped in cellotape (how that was managed in an assemby is anybody's guess) and another was hoisted by many of us and locked in a cupboard (done after the assembly with the boredom of it all still lingering).

So there I was, sitting in hot and cramped conditions sans schoolbag, listening to the teachers singing "Winter Wonder", trying to dodge the various items hurled around around the hall (whilst keeping an eye out that it wasn't my bag being hurled around).

After the assembly, I was reunited with my bag. I found it hidden behind some doors.

This post may be portraying me as some kind of bully victim, but this kind of behaviour is commonplace amongst friends and enemies alike (Many get it far worse than this). Oh well, that's the educational system for ya, don't think of me any differently because of it.

I'm so glad school is over. To sum up the academic term:

I'm cautiously optimistic about my GCSEs (end of year exams. Important stuff). Not looking forward to next term (but who does?). Need to start thinking about work experience (for future career in medicine) and what As Levels (even more important exams) to take next year.

I may write a post about my uneventful/unorthodox Christmas later on. Although frankly, I can't see why anyone would care.

The CSI Effect

Whilst I was reading my copy of The Times, This headline grabbed me:

'CSI effect' is teaching criminals to cover tracks

This was referring to the recent 'Jack the Ripper' style prostitute killings in Suffolk and how TV series such as CSI were teaching the public all about murder investigations and the ways forensics solves them (The headline was self-explanatory really).

Forensic science professionals, police departments and criminal prosecution lawyers are now complaining that these shows have educated criminals about the best way to cover their tracks.

Now I'm not a big fan of CSI but I have seen a few episodes with Horacio, the red haired git (so is that CSI New York? Miami or what?) and I can't say I agree with what the article is saying. It suggests that CSI has taught many would-be murderers what clues are left behind and how to avoid them.




Horacio and his team have already convinced people that Forensic Sciences are actually exciting. Now he is also responsible for most (if not all) crime in the UK. Is there anything this man isn't capable of?

If the law think that CSI is contributing to the education of criminals in the art of law-dodging then they are sadly mistaken. Have any of them ever watched CSI? Why would any law-breaker wish to induce such torture as to watch through hours of this awful detective series, just to gain some tricks of the trade? It's not even clever like Sherlock Holmes or Poirot style. All they do is collect evidence and grill the suspects until forensics comes back with the answers to everything.

And CSI doesn't teach us anything we don't already know. If I wished to break the law watching CSI wouldn't teach me anything new; Don't leave evidence, have a good alibi, try not to get caught. That's just about everything CSI has to offer and what decent criminal does not know this? The law must badly underestimate criminals if CSI is being blamed.

What I think everyone should be worried about is a show on BBC 3 called "The Real Hustle". It shows viewers the various different tricks hustlers use to con people out of their precious hard-earned money. Not only do people fall for the cons but it shows them as highly lucrative and extremely successful.

The BBC pays these hustlers to con people and film it. Is it me, or does that guy on the left look American?

The show is basically a training program for the more criminally-inclined individuals to learn a few new tricks. I have to admit, even I was tempted to try out some of the cons.

So in conclusion: "CSI" poor, "the Real Hustle" very good.

Religious Hostile Takeover

I know I've been writing a fair few posts about my school (and more importantly, the people in it) but this shocking piece of news came totally out of the blue and the first time I've ever heard of such an example occuring.

I got a letter yesterday that my school is to be converted to Church of England, against the will of all the school governers, and the government is powerless to stop them. All because of a loophole in a 17th century text.

The church claims that the purpose for which the school was established (1708) incorporated the following statement:

Religious instruction shall be given in the school in accordance with the doctrines of the Church of England

Basically, when the school was formed every educational body in the country had to be CoE, but over the years the school turned grammar and no longer followed the religion of the state, instead choosing to select students on academical ability rather than belief.

The funny thing is, they "assume" that line was written, there is no proof anywhere that such a line exists. Unfortunately, the government requires proof that the line wasn't written in order to overrule the CoE takeover. Bearing in mind that the document had to have been drawn up in the 17th century, the school had no idea where the document is.

And once again, the government has failed us by doing nothing. The school will of couse put up a fight but unless they find the precious document the governers will be powerless to prevent a CoE takeover. You hear the government waffling on about the falling standards but they refuse to halt the dissolution of the only school in Liverpool that allows entrance through academic excellence (others ask for massive yearly fees).

You may be wondering why this is such a big deal; the takeover won't affect me. It won't affect anyone in the school for the time being. But will affect the city.

Entrance into the school will greatly change. Everyone part of the CoE will have preference over the academically gifted. So a stupid CoE Christian would be chosen ahead of a intelligent muslim. Since my school is the only Grammar school in the whole of Liverpool (it is the only school that has an entrance exam and no fees) only the academically gifted are allowed through. The CoE's intention is to revamp the entrance system (to benefit the church) or possibly even remove it. Then where would the academically gifted go? There would be nowhere to provide them with a competitive atmospere and grades will suffer because of it.

Plus Religious Studies would be compulsory. Morally I have nothing against this; it just that it's an incredibly boring subject and most people despise it. (I don't really mind it since it's an easy GCSE)

Who knew the Church was capable of such acts of such cunning? Clearly I will need to rethink my views that the church is nothing more than an outdated system; this takeover was well-thought out and meticulously planned. Makes you wonder what really goes on at CoE HQ.


Harmless old monk or ruthless religious businessman?

England Lacks Skills...

It was in the news recently that the UK workforce was lacking in skills, and skill levels need to be raised to compete with rapidly developing countries such as China or India.

This does not surprise me remotely. Even in my school, arguably the best in Liverpool, there is a degenerate culture which prevents people from learning anything of any kind. People prefer to laze around, do nothing and pressurise others to do the same rather than taking full advantage of the abundant opportunities that surround them.

This doesn't just apply to lessons and homework, it applies to anything vaguely intellectual.

Torquer, a contributor to this blog (you won't have seen him around, he rarely posts) is a bit of a whizz with computers. He seems to nack for getting computers to work when others have failed. In fact, he's developed quite a reputation for it.

But people don't see it as a talent, people see it as an unfortunate affliction. They use it against him as if it's something to be ashamed of.

And I like to read. Except whenever I mention it people say things like: "Why read? It's so boring. Only gimps read." This kind of negative atmosphere would make anyone uncomfortable to discuss anything of intellect. Peer pressure alone is contributing to the lack of skills England is suffering of late.

Also, the naive share the belief that they can achieve massive success through minimum effort. Prince Charles made the point some time ago when he said children were being brought up with expectations that were far too high. Despite the backlash of the comment, I totally agree.

For example, I know someone who is convinced they will win a Nobel Prize for Physics. Another is determined she will become an astronaut. I would take them more seriously if they actually weren't stupid and work towards their goals. They expect it all to be handed to them on a platter.

Simply setting up more vocational courses and more opportunities just won't work. Although it'd be a lot more work changing the mentalities of the students. Trust Labour to take the easy route for Education.

Intelligent Design: Should It Be Taught?

Note: I am so pissed off right now, not because of Intelligent design but because of Blogger. I wrote one of the longest posts I have ever written (with thorough research and everything) and what does Blogger do? It completely fucks up the whole post and deletes half of it. All that time... lost. Now I have to write this post again... What motivation do I have now? How could I possibly match the quality of the deleted post? Shitty Blogger...

But anyway, to the post:

Despite being a man of science, I am very tolerant of religion. I respect what religion can do to peoples' lives and the purpose it brings. However, there are many aspects of religion too far-fetched to ignore and one of these is Intelligent Design.

There is a teacher in my school who is one of those crazy religious nutcases. Except he is armed with science and has been brainwashing all the students with tripe about Intelligent Design with scientific justifications for years.

It began with Christian Union, he would preach every week to an average audience of three about religion and science and how they are linked. He once declared that anyone was allowed to argue against his beliefs on Intelligent Design. My and my friends decided one day to ask him "How can you believe in Intelligent Design with the evidence around you?"

We were bored at the time and he had practically invited us to have an argument with him (when would we get another opportunity to do that with a teacher?). Before we knew it we were stuck in Christian Union listening to an hour lecture on how religion explains science or some other shit along those lines.

At first I was enticed by the idea of intelligent design, even though I still believed in evolution no matter what it all seemed to make sense. But later, when some thought was applied, it was a load of bullshit.

An example of such bullshit was: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep."

Apparently this refers to the Big Bang theory. It seems to make sense, after all, the Big Bang theory explains that the Universe was created and that time, space, everything was created in that one moment and began existing. Is that not what the first line of Genesis says? That God created everything (the Heavens and the Earth) at once?

Of course anything can interpreted as anything. The Bible was created by the Vatican (who picked and chose Gospels which benefited the them) and the Big Bang theory is just a theory and subject to change. If the Big Bang theory was disproved what then? New interpretations would be found no doubt.

But anyway that was just one example. Most of you are no doubt thinking, you stick to your beliefs I stick to mine. This post wasn't written to criticise Religious people (most of whom accept Evolution). It was the fact that my teacher went to the BBC and lobbying for Intelligent Design that sparked this post.

Now to the point of this post, should Intelligent Design be taught in schools? Is there any educational value?

The answer is no.

Firstly, Intelligent design is all based on faith while Evolution is based on something more substantial (e.g. DNA, Natural selection etc.). Most people (even the religious) accept Evolution and there is overwhelming evidence for it.

As The Now Show put it, any students fortunate enough to get Intelligent Design for A-level would get remarkable results:

Q. What happened during the Big Bang?
A. Something we do not understand caused by a thing we don't know.

Q. How did organic molecules develop the ability to self-replicate?
A. By some unknown force doing a thing we cannot understand.

Q. Explain the mechanisms by which species develop through random
mutation?
A. By the interference by some intelligent thing that is more complex than anything we know and yet, can never know.

As you see, if Intelligent design were put in place we wouldn't learn anything. Teaching Intelligent Design is such a waste of time and would just contribute to science in this country going backwards.

Secondly, there are a lot of clever, but impressionable, young people in my school. The influence my chemistry teacher has over them is massive. He has converted a fair few to Intelligent Design and they are not even religious. How can you believe in it if you don't believe in a creator? Most people don't understand and those that "teach" it are highly persuasive.

So to conclude, Intelligent design contributes nothing to education and it doesn't even count as a science, it's not in the curriculum for a reason. If we bow down to these evangelical lobbyists we'd become more and more like America. Does anyone want that?

Into the Bowells of the NHS... Part 2

Before reading the second instalment of my near death experience, I suggest you read part 1.

So there I was, stuck in a hospital bed against my will with nothing to keep me company expect the throbbing pain in my chest and the disease-ridden patients that surrounded me. I slept fitfully that night, plagued by bad dreams and the persistent coughing of the critically ill.

In the morning I was filled with a renewed vigour. The chest pain had subsided and if I were to be discharged early I might just make it for the Citizenship test (I later discovered the test to be incredibly easy. Even if I wrote with my eyes closed and took a nap midway I would still have aced it). This feeling of hope carried me through the morning, at least until around 9 am when I realised no doctor was coming anytime soon.

When a doctor did come, he explained to me I had suffered from a "spontaneous neumothorax".

"What that means is," the doctor explained helpfully, "air has gotten between your rib cage and your lungs. So this air pushed against your lungs which is why it hurt. Do you understand or should I repeat to you again?"

The doctor maintained his patronising tone for the duration of my stay.

"We call it spontaneous because it just happened. We don't know the cause."

Oh thanks Doc. Tell me something I don't know.

He then checked my breathing and started muttering "that's odd...". It must have slipped his mind to explain to me because he quickly hastened out the door, leaving me thoroughly bewildered and worried. He came back with a troupe of doctors to examine me.

"Listen to what's odd with his chest," the main doctor proclaimed. It was at that point I realised that my doctor was a consultant (a post I aspire to obtain one day) and the other doctors were his registrars (the trainee consultants). So basically the case was so fascinating/disturbing that the consultant dragged three other doctors from their precious life-saving work just to take a look at me. This did not bode well for my health and I was beginning to feel like a circus freak.

After much frantic discussion and standing around in my hospital nightgown, feeling like a fool, they decided it was best I stay for a CT scan.

The news was a real sucker punch and I was becoming frantic. What if I were to stay another day? Then another? Who knew how long I would need to wait for this CT scan. And what about my missed exams? Would I need to frantically revise to fit them into the remaining days of my exam timetable or not do them at all and not get the confidence boost I badly needed?

The place was resembling a prison more and more everyday; The food was barely edible, the people were miserable, there was no freedom or entertainment... In fact, it was worse then prison. At least there you'd be able to exercise and have a shower every now and then. I was confined to my bed and hadn't washed in days. Of my stay in hospital not one person brushed their teeth or washed in any way whatsoever.

As I waited for my CT scan that day, the long hours of boredom were really getting to me. If it weren't for The Religion (the book not the belief), a copy of The Times and the senile fellow who kept engaging me in incoherent conversation I would have gone insane. I spent many hours playing Snake II on my mobile, trying to beat the high score my friend set five years ago (that's what boredom reduced me to).

When the doctors finally came back to check up on me, after an eight hour wait, it was decided that I wasn't to have the CT scan. Instead I was to be "under surveillance" for another night.

When I heard the news I almost burst into tears.

Not Funny

Instead of writing part 2 of my adventures through our country's national health service (what happened after I was hospitalised? Ooh the suspense!), I thought I'd tell you all about how I became a contributor for Canadian humour site, notfunny.ca.

Canadians? Humour? An oxymoron surely? (I'm sure I've used that joke somewhere. Oh right, here) The site wasn't bad and I was flattered when they didn't snub me in my attempts to leech traffic and offered me the position of contributor.

The site itself is... decent. There's some funny stuff and not-so-funny stuff (which might be because I'm contributing to it).

Some articles seemed to have been taken from Uncyclopedia's waste bin, contrived by teenagers who think stringing nonsense together is funny. It might work for the Americans (who, in my opinion, have the worst comedy ever) but not for us British, we want more from our humour.

Having said that, there is some great stuff on there so I insist you check it out. If the thought of Canadians writing humour freaks you out then keep away ( I could never understand Canadian stereotypes. So are Canadians meant to be polite and boring or something?).

On the subject of comedy, I seem to find little funny. There is hardly anything that will get me laughing out loud (only Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and this dude). Maybe that's why I'm so critical. It's not like I'm incredibly funny so I shouldn't be complaining really.

I was going to announce my new position earlier, but more interesting topics pushed it aside and I just don't have the time to write that much. So anyway, I now contribute some of my material from the blog to their site in exchange for some traffic and gratitude.

Into the Bowells of the NHS... Part 1

On Tuesday the 28th of November, I embarked on a journey filled with anguish and pain and despair. This journey was of course metaphoric; it was more an 'experience' (maybe involuntary confinement would be a better way to describe it) and it led me into the inner bowells of the England's failing National Health Service; a topic that has sparked much controversy over the past few years.

Before I begin my tale of enlightenment, I must admit that I have never been hospitalised before in my life. I have never had the pleasure of spending time in a dreary hospital so imagine my surprise when the doctors told me I wouldn't be going home that night (or the night after). I did not know what to expect and was curious of my first hand experience with the notorious NHS.

So anyway, to the story...

It all began at school. What started out as nothing turned into laboured breathing and a dull pain spreading through my chest. It was endurable but left me extremely worried; What disease could inflict chest pains but no coughing? I thought of Pneumonia, Tuboculosis, AIDS (don't ask me why. I eventually associate every inexplicable disease to AIDS). I made sure all my friends knew just how much I was suffering.

"You're such a hypercondriac!" Robin complained, before hitting me on the back (to 'relieve' the pain apparently). "If it really hurts so much go to the Office. Atleast then you'd stop bothering me."

I admit, I am a hypercondriac at times. But because I know I'm a hypercondriac, any inexplicable pains are attributed to hypercondria. This pain was horribly real and ominously in the area of my chest. I couldn't take any chances with this.

I excused myself from my maths lesson and went to the Office. The secretaries there were totally unsympathetic and they didn't show the least bit concerned when they told me to wait and I was struggling to breathe. My dad ferried me to the Liverpool Royal Hospital (I was too old for Alder Hay, Liverpool childrens hospital and leading infant organ harvester). This is where my story really begins.

I was admitted into the the emergency unit and told to wait. There were three people waiting with me; Two men and a woman.

Both men were tracksuited and one looked like the father of the other. Occasionally the younger would cry and his father would reassure him (as if he'd just been diagnosed with cancer). The boy was treated like a ten year old and was told to leave his fathers side by the doctors (for reasons I will never know). The woman (I assume) was an alcoholic. Her speech was slurred, her reactions were slow and at times she would just stare blankly, even when the doctor talked to her. The doctor was unimpressed when she claimed she suffered a heart attack and he threatened to call security. Eventually the woman ambled off, possibly in a drunken stupor. I pitied them but I pitied myself more.

Already I'd encountered these two cases they both depressed me immensely. It didn't help that every now and then, crying relatives were ushered past me into a room (I never saw a single person leave).

Eventually, the doctor got to me and I was given a temporary bed where they could examine me. I waited for about three hours. I asked for a sandwich twice and the nurses promised me it would be delivered. I never saw a single sandwich that night.

When the doctor came, he delivered the devastating new that I was to stay the night, "under surveillence". I'd probably have registered less shock if you were to tell me God was real, the apocalyse is next week or that LFC had won the treble.

"I can't. I've got GCSE mocks!" I protested weakly. I knew it was in vain. Since I wasn't old enough to discharge myself, and my condition was serious enough to stay the night, the only people who had control of my situation were the doctors. They were to decide when I was to leave and when not. It was like prison (except with less luxuries).

As I was wheeled to my bed (I had waited three hours and I was put in a room with four free beds. I couldn't understand why I needed to wait so long for an empty room.) The idea of staying the night filled me with dread. I tried to console myself but it was no use. In fact, the only things that kept me going was the guilt my friends would be feeling at this moment, and that I would be able to write about my experiences as soon as I was discharged. Those alone gave me strength to endure the night.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Scotland: Independant Country?

For some unknown reason, I decided to watch Braveheart sometime ago (there was nothing else on, I swear). Having endured Mel Gibson and his poor Scottish accent long enough I began wondering, if the Scots hate England so much, why be part of the UK?

And now recently, Gordon Brown (a scot) has told the Scottish Labour party independance isn't such a good idea, reiterating what Tony Blair has said about a vote of independance for Scotland and responding to criticism that he is responsible for "Scottish economic underperformance".

Not meaning to sound jingoistic, but if they're going to pin all their problems on England then they can bloody well piss off. What is the point of the United Kingdom if Scotland will just be vying for independance? They wouldn't even agree to a Great Britain football team! How unsupportive can you get?

The only reason Blair/Brown want Scotland to stay is the large share of Labour voters that keep the duo in power. They gave Scottish politicians the right to vote on matters that will not affect their constituencies, how is that fair? Blair gave Scotland its own Parliament and now he's feeling the consequences.

Reasons for Scottish independance:

1. Hatred of the English
2. The English love a joke at Scotlands expense
3. Not in support of GB football team
4. Celtic and Rangers (the dreaded Old Firm)
5. Braveheart
6. Scottish Nationalist Party
7. The country is full of sheep
8. It's a wet and cold place (despite what the "Visit Scotland" advert says)

Strong arguments I think you will find.

How does Scotland actually benefit England? Other than provide Labour with valuable voters? If Scotland wants to become a minor European country than so be it. Give the Scottish a chance to run their own country; Blair gave them a government so why not?

There are two outcomes if independance is given:

Country fails
Scotland is no longer supported by England and fails miserably at the running of their country. Trade and economy become stagnant and basically the whole country goes to pot. Every Englishman laughs. Scottish become butt of all jokes.

Country succeeds
Scotland becomes prosperous and does an Ireland (3rd richest country in the world after independance). Every Englishman becomes incredibly jealous and anti-Scottish sentement rises. But the Scottish have the last laugh as England is left in a dire state (NHS, rising crime etc.)

But to be honest nothing's going to change. All I know is that Braveheart is an awful movie and that Scottish football is dire. If the country can't sort out its football how can it sort out its politics?

Casino Royale - A Review

I have put off writing a review for the new James Bond movie, mainly because I have mixed feelings about the film and I'm not sure whether I like it or not. Or whether Daniel Craig deserved the highly prestigious Bond role.

Having said that, the new Bond film was a vast improvement to the previous James Bond portrayed by Pierce Brosnan (who looks more like an office manager than a tough British agent). Casino Royale has broken from the stereotype of Bond as some womanising, smarmy git with the powers of invincibility; choosing instead to explore Bond's earlier days when he was young and reckless, and most importantly, someone who is indeed vulnerable.

We no longer see the Bond of old, who could cartwheel through an army of machine-gunners, karate chop them all and still look impeccable enough to order a martinee and seduce the fabulously attractive girl sitting opposite. Daniel Craig's Bond shows weaknesses, misjudgements and gets bruised a lot (when has Pierce Brosnan ever had a cut lip let alone a bruise?), he even suffers emotional damage which makes the whole film more interesting and enjoyable.

We won't be seeing this smarmy git anytime soon

Having pointed out the new improvements to Bond, we come the negative aspects of the film.

Despite Daniel Craig's decent portrayal of a more human Bond, I still have my doubts about him. Firstly, he just seems to old. Considering this is a remake of the first Bond movie (and he has just been made 007) he looks remarkably old, which seemed to annoy me a great deal (but most people will get over it I guess).

Secondly, some of his dialogue was totally uninspiring. At times he just droned on and on in his monotone drawl which sickened me greatly. The guy has proved he can do action but I feel that he should give his mouth a rest from time to time, especially when there's dialogue as boring as shown in Casino Royale.

Also, the plot was weak until the end where it became badly cluttered and confusing. They seemed to cram all the twists into the end and none of it was to be expected; the plot gave no clues whatsoever which was a letdown.

Having said that, Casino Royale marks a new era for Bond films and I look forward to the next one. I have no regrets about booting Pierce Brosnan.

On a side note, I actually expected my co-author to write a post on this topic (he is Bond-crazy and probably fantasises about Bond or being Bond). Unfortunately, he was meant to watch it but his dad stood him up, the poor bastard.

A lucrative scheme

After what seems like hundreds of rejections, PayPerPost have finally admitted defeat and accepted me into their amazing lucrative system. Therefore I will start shilling links as soon as possible.

Why have I done this? Am I not selling my soul? Will I be condemned to Blogging Hell for misinforming my readers and posting untruthful comments about the awesomeness of certain products and services? The whole point of this blog was to vent out my hatred for the system and inform the world, how can I do this now if my judgement is clouded with fiscal incentives?

I fear the retribution of my fellow bloggers... What will they think if I shill a link like this: viral marketing ? Will they no longer respect me?

But before you judge me for shamelessly selling out, remember this. I have University to think about.

The measly $10 I get from this post means that:

• I can put off finding a job for about an hour
• It will contribute to 1/10000 of the funds needed for Uni
• I could use it to motivate the blog's co-author, Torquer (or atleast buy a stick to beat him with.)
• my livelihood is supported
• Contributes to my inevitable departure of this "fair" city Liverpool (help me get the hell outta here)

And what do you care anyway? PayPerPost are paying for this blog, something I don't see you doing.

So go to PayPerPost if you wan't to get paid for writing your blog. I love it because it pays me.

Cruel and Unusual Names

The cruelest thing a parent can do, and the easiest way of alienating your child for the rest of their life, is by giving them an unusual name. It is guarenteed that once the child is literate and old enough to understand their parents silly notions, they will attribute every miserable moment of their life to the day their parents decided: "We have ideas above our station, let's name our kids after sci-fi characters and cities and other crazy things just to be different" . Do parents ever consider this, when naming their children "Gandalf"?

Of course, it's not always to be different; it's totally acceptable to name you children after your idols (e.g. calling your child Steven because you are a fan of LFC and like Steven Gerrard). But what happen if your hero has an odd name that people could make fun of? For example Nwankwo Kanu, I love the guy but I wouldn't name any of my kids after him; kids would chase after him chanting n-WANK-wo, n-WANK-wo.

A friend of mine was walking through Toxteth once (how he came out alive I'll never know) and he had overheard a mother, who called to her two girls: "Come back Beyonce! Shakira!" He found it hilarious and when I heard the story I found it vaguely funny as well. Naming one of them after a superstar would be ok, but two.... It just conjures up funny images in peoples minds.

Peaches Honeyblossom Pixie Frou-Frou, Fifi Trixiebell, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily... What was Bob Geldof thinking? They're not yappy little dogs, their your children!

Personally, I blame the celebrities for this naming phenomenon (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's daughter Apple... wtf?). These people should be setting an example in naming their children, instead of trying to be different. Surely they must know that whatever they name their children, others will copy it in blind idol worship?

Orlando Bloom... fine I guess. Lourdes Leon (Mad-onna's daughter)... pushing it. What next? Liverpool Johnson?

Sarah Malone, of findmypast.com had this to say about the subject:

"It seems that many of us are happy to take hero worship to a while new level, naming our children adter the stars we admire. It would appear that the British sense of humour is alive and well with Gandalf, Harry Potter and Superman"

Parents should try and exercise this "British humour" more often. I'd love to meet a few Harry Potters (I can just about imagine the fangirls-cum-mothers...). What a laugh that would be!

But the funniest name was that of a James Bond fan (who inspired this post), who recently and officially changed his name to:

James Dr No From Russia With Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty's Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live And Let Die The Man With The Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View To A Kill The Living Daylights Licence To Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond

How much of a kick could he possibly get from from introducing himself as "Bond, James Bond"? Everyone would think he's a gimp and it'd be a bugger to fill out tax forms.

In conclusion, when I have children I'll give them good, unmockable names. I'll leave the weird names for my pets.

Junkies sent to prison paid for not getting drugs

In what seems to be a momentary lapse of sanity, The British government has decided to to settle out of court by giving drug addicts forced to go 'Cold Turkey' in prison payouts of around £750,000 because of a breach of human rights. Apparently, this will cost the taxpayer less if it weren't drawn out in court.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but did they not forfeit their human rights once they broke the law and took drugs? They can't possibly expect us to treat them humanely if they're in prison. If prison was such a wonderful place; free food, accomodation, drug addiction treatment, library (or so I am told) then we'd be queuing to go there.

The problem is we are spending too much taxpayers money turning our prisons into luxury hotels. Prisoners shouldn't expect to be pampered, they should be reminded that what they did was morally wrong and should therefore be punished. If refusing them of the drugs they so crave (which is what got them in jail in the first pace) is painful for the individual then so be it; you can't say they didn't warn them when they took the drugs in the first place.

These recent events make us question the whole legal system really. Why should they have had the right to take to court something so trivial? Why does it cost so much to tackle the case in court? It seems like the only people benefiting from the human rights acts are criminals and their legal teams.

If you ask me, I should be the one getting the compensation. Valuable money has been spent on these degenerate junkies and I haven't benefited one bit from it (other than the increase in drug related crime and the chavs roaming our streets; which are both associated with drugs and have directly affected me at one point or another). Compensation for all that taxpayer money that has been wasted on losers who take drugs, and the rehab clinics to treat them.

It's time we re-thought the whole human rights act. It seems the only people that benefit from it are the guilty, while the money of the innocent is being spent.

A progess report (that you should probably ignore)

It's been a few months now and the blog certainly seems to be going places. Impressive traffic, rave ratings, a loyal and massive fan base (notice the exaggeration). It seems meaningless just to alert the world of my lacklustre achievements with this blog; however, there was another reason why I wrote this dull post.

the truth is dear bloggers, I have been neglected the main duty of being a blogger, which is to enlighten the world with meaningless gibberish about my loser life. Admittedly, it's hardly worth anything in terms of entertainment value (it fills me with more excitement than watching Newsnight, but only just), but several important events are coming up that are impossible for me to avoid, so I had no choice but to write it all down.

So several events are going to occur in the near future which might render me unable to write, or motivate me to write more (I'm not sure how it's going to turn out at the moment). Here are the several factors that will prevent me writing often from now on:

As you may or may not know, the blog has a guess writer. The lazy bastard hardly wrie anything at all (2 posts in like a month) which has dissapointed me greatly. He clearly does not share the vision I possess so this has depressed me greatly. (I'm not sure what relevance this has the the post but it had to be mentioned, just to shame the lazy git)

The GCSE Mocks are looming. This will probably tie me up for a few weeks time due to revision. Before that time, I will probably put up a half-decent post and keep that on for a about a week. (I may write a post about the Mocks now that I think about it)

PayPerPost have rejected me for the umptienth time... What motivation do I have to write if I'm not getting paid for it?

Medieval 2: Total War - The game has consumed my life. I have lost all will to write and have instead found it far more entertaining to go online and pwn n00bs. Usual service will resume once I get bored of the game.

I'm still not quite sure what the point of this post was, since no one will be interested enough (or have enough understanding) to bother reading it. It reminds me why I post on current affairs and stuff and not my fun-filled life; because no one cares and it's shit.

A new Bible is required

Yesterday, Sir Elton John revealed the shocking revelation that he wanted all organised religions to be banned. When I read the headline, the first thing that went through my mind was: "Is he for real? What new complaint does the loser have now?"

With a face like that, how can you not feel sorry for him?

But having read through the articles, I feel some sympathy towards him.

I know sir Elton is loony and a few pies short of a picnic but for once he has a point. As I was listening to the 5Live phone-in they had some insanely religious fundamentalist Christian woman (you know the type) who was just spreading what can only be described as anti-homosexual propaganda through the airwaves.

What is it with America and their dangerously high number of crazy religious people that follow the bible to each exact word? There's something not right about someone (who's not a priest) who can quote every line from the bible.

I digress. Elton John's idea of banning all religions is ridiculous. It's not like homophobia will go away if there was no religion. Religion is the justification and not the cause, it's crazy right-wing people (from the southern states no doubt) that are the cause (sorry to stereotype... but you have to admit. That's where they all seem to be from). If the last episode of South Park has taught us anything it's that there will always be hatred/violence etc. even without religion. It's human nature.

And the Bible's outdated; we just can't relate to it anymore. The bible preaches to love your neighbour but what if he's gay? A paradox is it not?

My solution to making Elton John shut up and solving the problems of America's fanatic religious population would be to publish a new updated bible.

It'd need to be shorter, easier to interpret and filled with a lot less confusing crap. Also cut out all the genesis crap, can't be just come to a compromise and say God created evolution? Let's be cool about this people.

We could change it gradually, so no one notices.

If it'll make American zealots shut up, isn't it worth it?

Mid-Term Elections: A British Perspective

I'll be frank, I could find nothing satirical about the Mid-Term elections to write about. But being such a huge topic at the moment, it seemed impossible to ignore (what with the landmark victory for the Democrats, new era for America etc.). But also, being British, I know huge amounts about the negative aspects of American politics and very little about the positive aspects of it.

Therefore imagine my shock when something seemingly good for American politics actually occurs.

I use the word seemingly because there are a number of things that don't seem quite right. It makes no sense that Bush should still be President after the elections. He lost didn't he? So why aren't the Democrats in power? It doesn't seem logical. And if the Democrats own both the House and the Senate, does that mean Bush and his cronies face an army of liberals when making policies?


Then there's foreign policy. What will this do to Anglo-American relations? Will we see less arse-licking from Blair? I vaguely remember someone saying something about the Democrats changing the Iraq policy. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing; on one hand it might mean the beginning of the end of American occupation, on the other hand it could mean England are left to deal with the shit-storm of unrest by themselves.

The Democrats aren't exactly a bundle of joy either. The thought of Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy and John "Couldn't Beat Bush" Kerry in positions of power do not fill me with much enthusiasm. They are all extremely boring people, atleast with Bush he'd give the world something to laugh at (and take the heat from America), while John Kerry is a boring twat with the personality of stale cheese.

So to summarise... the nasty evil right-wing Republican bastards have been replaced with the kickass super awesome right-wing Democrats... Somehow I don't envisage much change in the future.

It kinda reminds me of British politics really.

Which is the one on the right?

Poppy: Red or White?

Apparently a question that has been raging for years. A religious think-tank has recently claimed that that red poppies sold to commemorate those who died in WWI are "less religious" to the white poppies being sold and that people should be able to choose between white and red ones. This has added fuel to the fire of the debate over wearing religion items (veils/crosses etc.).

The director of Ekklesia, Jonathan Bartley, said people should be able to choose between red or white ones.

He added red poppies implied redemption through war, but Christianity seeks redemption through non-violence. White ones were created to symbolise peace.

I didn't even know that white poppies existed and even if I did, I would still choose the red poppy. Not because of any religious implications but because the red poppies grew on Flanders fields and inspired Rememberance Day.


John Bartley clearly does not know what he's talking about. Red was the colour of the poppies on Flanders field, it has nothing to do with redemption whatsoever. The poppy has never been religious symbol (this is the first time I've heard of anyone considering it as one). It seems like Mr. Bartley has completely plucked this idea out of the air.

We would be missing the point if we read anything into the colour. The poppy has always been a reminder of the war so what does the colour matter? Mr. Bartley seems to be forgetting that the poppy is to help those that fought in the war and not some religious item to flaunt. The white poppy promotes peace but raises no money for those that fought in the war so why should people be wearing it for a day that remembers the soldiers that fought in the war?

If the colour of the poppy is why we wear it then we have definitely lost our way. From what I understand of the white poppy, it was created as an anti-war symbol to divert money from the veterans; which is totally inappropriate and immoral, especially since it will be for Rememberance Day. The white poppy is totally ridiculous and it would be a mockery to the veterans if it were sold.

Less globally, my school had a Rememberance Day assembly. Like the white poppy, it was incredibly stupid. Had any veterans turned up to watch they would be seething with rage at the disrespect my school showed with its lack of effort. No one sang or bothered to look as if they cared. Not that my school doesn't like war veterans; they just hate assemblies.

Human-Cow Embryos

Scientists from Newcastle (of all places) have recently applied for permission to develop stem cell research and fuse human DNA with Cow eggs. Since there's so much controversy over stem cells as it is, was it really such a good idea to bring up plans to create living things (if only for a few days) that are half-human half-cow?

At first, the idea horrified me. It all made sense once I had soaked in the facts and reassured myself that the world will not be taken over by armies of mutant humanoid-bovine freaks enslaving the human populance.


But what if the research were to fall into the hands of some crazy scientics who were to develop the cells further? Before you know it we'll have modern day minotaurs floating in sealed glass containers filled with luminous green liquids. They'll have the strength of an oxe, the intelligence of a chimp (we are being realistic here) and horns to gorge us with (and win head-butting competitions).

We'll think we have them under our control then before you know it they'll have burst out of their transparent cages, killed their makers and escape, leaving a path of distruction in their wake.


Then we'll have a Frankensteinesque situation on our hands. The new creations won't understand why we have brought them into society and once they find out our purpose for them was simply to harvest their stem cells to cure our incurable diseases, they'll be extremely pissed and start smashing things. Be warned, these things are known to happen (in movies) so if the situation does occur, you heard it here first.

If you think the idea of cow-men a bit too unrealistic, you must agree there is a possibility of unknown diseases developing. Since we are harvesting the bovine-human stem cells and eventually implanting them into humans is it not possible that people with the cells begin developing bovine traits? If you don't believe me click here.

And what about Bovine Flu? I heard it has the potential to be ten times as deadly as avian bird flu with the added edge of mad cow disease and/or foot and mouth disease. Since bird flu caused such mass hysteria why not bovine flu? It does exist doesn't it?

If you want evidence of the devastating effects of hydrid diseases you should watch Mission Impossible III.

But perhaps, as far-fetched as it sounds, the cells will function just as normal as any other stem cells do and won't create monsters capable of taking over the world. Since the cells are in such short supply, I think we can risk developing hybrid supercows for now.

Social Degeneration: Chavs

Definition of Chav: Burberry-wearing, bling-loving, Lacoste-tracksuited degenerate tossers. (If you're American, think a wigga obsessed with Burberry and fake tan)

It was only a few years ago when Chavs did not roam the earth and we were free to walk down dark back-alleys, hold our heads up high and not be intimidated by gangs of youths with nothing better to do than chain-smoke, vandalise and procreate in the streets before binge-drinking and passing out on the curb. Then when morning breaks, society will pick their disgusting forms out of the gutter and fix them up again for another night filled with violence and vices.

So it is definitely fair to say these low-lifes are the scum of the earth, and deserve to be forced to work camps to repay society for the damage caused by their random acts of violence and vandalism. However, what seems like an incredibly simple solution (lock them up and make pay back their debt to us) has been horribly dealt with by the government. So much so that the Chav population is actually rising.

But have no fear. Our saviour, David Cameron has reacted to protest at rising young offenders:

Young offenders should be shown "a lot more love" in an effort to encourage good behaviour, Conservative leader David Cameron has said.

He called for a more understanding approach as to why youths committed crimes in the first place. They must have counselling, education and training, he told the Youth Justice Board's annual convention in Cardiff.

The Tory leader suggested that children should receive "tough love" and, in turn, have "high standards" asked of them.

This was not the same as "sentimental, childish love which sees no wrong in anyone", he added.

Handing out anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) to young people or putting them in custody was "reacting" to crime, not "reducing" it, Mr Cameron said, and many institutions had become "social dustbins".

Oh I see... We should go around loving and embracing the Chavs! It seems ridiculous to pour taxpayers money into more counselling and education for a bunch of degenerates who clearly do not appreciate our help, and would rather be drinking cheap cider and vomitting on the pavement. It'd be a bigger money-waster than the NHS Blackhole.

But then again, I'm just a kid, what would I know about issues like politics and stuff? Dave Cameron clearly understands these things better than I do because he's such a "hip" and "cool" Tory.

If you ask me, the problem would be easily solved if there was a revamp in the youth justice system. If Chavs really think a ASBO was like a knighthood then the only solution is to scrap a system that doesn't work and replace it with a system that does. What I suggest is that anyone found passed out wearing Burberry should be rounded up and sent to a Brat Camp/juvenile delinquency center to work until they show some sense and willing to contribute to society (instead of dropping out of school and living off the dole). And if that doesn't work, use them as an alternative fuel to burn.

But at the moment, the situation will only worsen before it gets any better. Hopefully there will be a day when people can walk down the street without fear of being mugged by a twerp in a hoodie at knife point or happy-slapped on a double-decker bus. Until then, I shall think twice about walking walking alone in the dark.

Craven Cottage Prison?

Last weekend's Premiership game between Fulham and Everton was unfortunately marred by the throwing of a 10 pence piece by a member of the crowd at Claus Jensen when he was due to take a corner. Incidentally, the match ended 1:0 in Fulham's favour and they took all three points. After the match, Fulham coach Chris Coleman spoke out against fans who lob stuff onto the pitch, calling them to be immediately identified, fined and sent to prison.

Chris Coleman warns people to stop wasting their money on his cash-strapped club

Similarly, although with no link to the 'beautiful' game, an independent think-tank (blast their hides, always stirring up controversy) complained of the lack of life skills pupils get during their secondary education. They claimed that teenagers left to their own devices when leaving school could be at risk due to not being able to prepare simple food and complete menial household tasks. How hard can it be to open a tin of beans, or, for the more culinarily advanced such as myself, whack up a quick risotto. As for household tasks, there can only be one way to hold a vacuum cleaner, surely? This panel of so-called 'experts' also expressed their heart-felt concerns that children are being left without the necessary communication skills in an increasingly global environment. In my view, the Internet, MSN, mobile phones and email have left us increasingly communicative. Not necessarily a good thing if you like a bit of peace and quiet. This think-tank pushed for the introduction of longer school days with more of an emphasis on skills rather than qualifications. Not exactly what you need when faced with an increasingly ignorant nation.

Alarmingly, they also suggested that any parent or guardian who does not wish their child attend these after school 'lessons' should be fined and imprisoned. With the current jail overcrowding and pressure on the Home Office, this is probably not the best way to alleviate the problems of poor communication and 'bored' teenagers with more ASBOs than years. Alternatively, perhaps John Reid is considering converting Craven Cottage in a new super-prison for vicious coin-throwers and deadly after-school club avoiders? This would solve three problems with one extensively delayed and expensive contracted mess. On the positive side, it would have a capacity of nearly 40,000 and as for the criminals, surely the best exercise yard in the whole of Europe?

Saddam: Death Sentence Unfair?

Another day, another tyrant brought to justice by the Americans. Only this morning, the BBC announced that Saddam Hussien was guilty for crimes against humanity and was sentenced to death by hanging. Although he was a dictator and killed hundreds of his people (but the Americans have killed more), the whole trial was a fiasco and he was convicted for totally the wrong reasons.

First the Americans, in fear of communism, "assisted" the Ba'ath Party who overthrew the Quassim's party in a military coup. Saddam Hussien had been part of an assasination attempt on Prime Minister Quassim, backed by (who else but) the Americans. If anything it should be the Americans that should be punished for putting the Iraqi people under Saddam and the Ba'ath Party's regime.

In 2003, after 9/11 America wanted a foothold in the Middle East so accused Saddam of links with Al-Quaeda (although we later found out Saddam was too snobbish to collaborate with them) and accused the country of developing weapons of mass destruction. The mission, suitably codenamed "Operation Iraqi Freedom" (ironic considering it was the Americans that took it away) was to bring down Saddam Hussein and strip him of the massive stash of biological and chemical weapons he possessed.

So after lots of bombing of innocent people, lots of deaths of British/American soldiers the Americans find Saddam hiding out in a cave and drag him out to face true American justice.

The US then set up a court with no credibility whatsoever (anyone found sympathetic towards Saddam was taken off the court). Saddam himself claimed he had been tortured but this was denied by the Americans who claimed there was no evidence (but of course).

And that brings us to today. Saddam has been convicted, conveniently just before the mid-term elections. Huzzah and hurrah to the Republicans who brought him to justice!

Double Standard: Tyrant convicted of crimes against humanity sentenced to hanging, a crime against humanity.

Saddam did commit many atrocities in his time but he did not recieve a fair trail. The Americans went into Iraq and arrested him on trumped up charges (to this day no weapons of mass distruction were ever discovered. Except for a few bags of fertiliser), put infront of a kangaroo court and convicted solely for the Republican election campaign.

But Iraq is now in turmoil without Saddam, the only one who can control them. Democracy has really triumphed over there, with looting, violence, no law and order. The Americans cared too much about Iraq's precious oil to be bothered to set up a system to keep the peace.

If I remember correctly, the Americans dismantled the police in Iraq and also the military. So no law and order but lots of angry Iraqis with access to military weapons? Great idea Bush.

But as the Americans will say. Justice has been done. They've got their precious oil and a boost in the mid-term elections, no one will care when they bugger off and leave Iraq in the state it's in now. So who will pick up the pieces?

Helium and PayPerPost

What are Helium and PayPerPost? What do they have in common with me?

Both claim to be able to pay me to write which is probably the closest I will ever get to becoming a journalist (so am I a freelance journalist now?). This is how it should be really since the thought of a life long career in journalism does not have me jumping for joy, considering how much I love to write.

I guess this is the perfect compromise: Since few people frequent this blog anyway it wouldn't really matter if I sold out and started shilling links. I get motivated and paid while you occasionally get to read something good.

So why do I feel so bad about doing it? Helium is perfectly fine since I'm posting on another website so doesn't affect this one (unless I post something really good and link to it) but it's PayPerPost that's the problem.

PayPerPost works in the way that bloggers are paid to write articles on their blog advertising products/services etc. The problem I have with this is would I be selling out and losing the soul of the blog? For a (relatively) lucrative salary would I be forsaking everything I stand for? Would I no longer be able to command the respect of my fellow bloggers?

But then I thought, who cares? What's the point of having a popular blog if I'm not going to make any money out of it? All great TV channels have ads (except the BBC but then there's TV license, I can't exactly charge all my readers to read this blog. It isn't good enough yet) and I've got University to think about.

So expect some extremely biased posts in the future. A word of warning, I would give any post a miss that has the label "product".

BitTorrent - The Modern Day Robin Hood

Probably the best invention after the Internet. Taker from the rich and giver to the poor, BitTorrent has enriched everyone's life with free entertainment. Mostly poor quality mp3's that cause your speakers to explode and your ipod inplode, or perhaps shaky footage films with shadows of people walking out of the cinema. My personal favourite are the games that are five gigabites and wouldn't occupy anyones interest for more than five minutes.

Let's not forget the risk of a computer riddled with viruses; subscribing you to endless pornographic sites, emailing your billing information to Nigeria and setting fire to your hardware. But like Robin Hood there are risks to what they do.

It's a tough world, peddling illegal goods over cyberspace. It seems strange that total strangers would risk life and limb (with no benefits to themselves other than thousand pound fines) to give ungrateful bastards like us the chance to swindle musicians, actors, game developers out of their livelihood.

You might get the impression I am against theft over the internet such as this. Well you're wrong.

It seems unfair that we should pay for the mediocrity produced by the entertainment industry, most of whom are incredibly rich and famous. Who cares if Bono can't afford another diamond studded guitar if I download "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb"? Or if Madonna can't buy herself another baby if I don't buy one of her shitty songs?

These people don't need your money. Infact, the only people I do feel slight sympathy towards are the game developers (who do not lead superstar lifestyles. If anything I pity their lonely nerdy lives). But the feeling quickly passes.

But many people don't want us to enjoy the wonders of this uncontrollable, illegal, and possibly dangerous system so that money stays with the industry and lines the pockets of the fat cats (and funds a new Armarni suit for Jay-Z).

These people have clearly never enjoyed the wonders of enjoying mediocre stuff without the regret of paying for something so ordinary. Had there been no BitTorrent, I would not be playing Football Manager 2007 right now.

So if you excuse me, I have some files to download.

The Secret Policemans' Ball

Yesterday Amnesty International revived The Secret Policemans' Ball... How could it live up to the standard set by Cleese and co.? The truth is it didn't.

The show started off strong with a good performance of stand up from Eddie Izzard. Jon Culshaw and Ronny Ancora did some excellent impressions (as usual) and a cameo performance from Natalie Imbruglia in a routine with Dave Armand was surprisingly entertaining. New-comer Andrew Maxwell was incredibly funny although his stand-up was sadly short-lived.

But who ever cares about the things that go right? The following acts were a serious let-down:

Al Murray - He performed his very British (shitty) Pub Landlord act but added a pantomine twist to it. Since he's a crap comedian to begin with it doesn't really matter.

Russel Brand - I grudgingly admit that his stand-up was pretty decent last night. However, he still sounds like a prat and looks like a prat.

There was also a really poor manor houses sketch where they basically paraded some semi-famous British comedians and some no-mark actors (mostly from Greenwing).

But it was the Americans that were the real let-down:

Chevy Chase - What's he famous for? His sketch was a total dissapointment, especially since it was meant to be one of the highlights of the show. Even Seth Green couldn't improve it.

Jimmy Falon - Another no-mark American loser. After watching Jon Culshaw and Ronni Ancora, his impressions were unimpressive. Even Barry off Eastenders was funnier (and he only got about 5 lines).

Sarah Silverman - Highly anticipated act gone horribly wrong (another "famous" name I've never heard of). Her stand-up probably generated the least laughs, mainly because she failed when talking about controversial issues like racism, rape, abuse (some of the easiest topics to make funny). If she wants to succeed at stand-up she should take lessons from Eddie Izzard.

What Silverman thought of her act last night

Since all the American acts sucked, this could only mean American humour is shit (which is a relief since Britain are finally good at something).

Oh and the musical acts were surprising. They weren't bad but the Zutons and Magic Numbers? You would expect U2, oasis or some other big name bands to grace the show.

So The Secret Policemans' Ball was an utter letdown. But also American comedians are rubbish.

Halloween

It stikes me rather odd that the so called 'Mischief Night' is directly before the actual Halloween festivities. The object of Mischeif Night is to buy lots of eggs, toilet paper, flour etc and throw them at small cats and at people's doors. Then, the next night the same people go round to the same houses and actually demand confectionary from them, such as sweets and other edible delights.

Anne Widdecombe joins the festivities

How can a minority of arseholes get away with things like that? Ah well, atleast the distribution of free sweets will be finished for another year after tonight. Now we can wake up to full blown firework displays at 2am. I can hardly wait.

Kanu Believe It?: The Ultimate Comeback in Football

When talking about modern world-class footballers, people think Zidane, Figo, Ronaldo (and other galaticos). Now in my opinion (and I doubt many would share my opinion) that if you were to search for a World Class player you had only to look at the Portsmouth team.

The player I am talking about is Nwankwo "Padillo" Kanu; founder of the Kanu Heart Foundation, Nigerian superstar, wife of Igbo Beauty Pride, African Footballer of the Year (ten times) and a nice guy to boot (no pun intended). He is also, in my opinion, the ultimate comeback king.

The Highs
He began his career kicking arse at Ajax with his silky ball skills and flamboyant moves; accumulating medals, African footballer of the year awards and captaining the Nigerian Team (for his efforts he won Gold at Atlanta 1996 Olympics). Then he moved on to a higher platform. And that platform was Arsenal.

Now being a Liverpool fan, I was never very fond of Arsenal. And until recently, Nwankwo Kanu was just a decent player with an unfortunate name. However, I think his achievements there speak for themselves:

• The Double in 2002
• FA Cup in 2003
• Premier League in 2004
• African Footballer of the Year (Again. The Man has won more of these than I will take GCSEs)

The Lows
But despite his efforts, he soon found himself pushed to the side by emerging star Thierry Henry. Everything went downhill from there.

After a season on the bench, Arsenal decided he was not worth a new contract. Therefore they sold him for around 3 million (a mere pittance. Definitely a price tag that did not do him justice) to West Bromich Albion, who were Premiership no-hopers and destined to relegation; a career dead end for any player of any ambition.

Kanu was an instant hit and his contribution saved them from relegation that season (despite an ominous warning of the season ahead when he missed an absolute sitter in the first game). Second season was poor and the club were relegated (as expected). Many blamed the manager (Brian Robson) for not utilizing Kanu to the best of his abilities. Despite this, they were promoted in season 05/06.

When Robson offered Kanu a new contract for his part in lifting the club back into the Premiership, Kanu refused and became a free agent (good thing too since West Brom’s season was a distaster and they crashed to relegation).

The Comeback (or... When Padillo met Harry)
At the time, Portsmouth was going under a revival just like Kanu would soon do. They were now backed by a filthy rich Russian and Pompey had become the poor man’s Chelsea. With their vast wealth they bought a host of players (mostly rejects from Tottenham. The most famous being Pedro Mendes) that just couldn’t gel. It was during the 05/06 season that they signed Kanu on a free transfer.

It seemed insane for Harry Rednapp (Portsmouth manager) to sign a no-mark striker like Kanu when he had such riches at his disposal. But this was exactly the chance Kanu needed and he is now top scorer in the Premiership with 6 goals to his name.

And thus ends the ultimate comeback story. You probably don’t care so I’m just gonna go off to watch the Liverpool vs. Bordeaux match now.

All Torque, No Walk

It has come to my attention that a certain web-log (to use the original phrase) is in dire need of a reputable writer to inundate its pixels with an orgy of texts, both appropriate and unsuitable. Unfortunately for him, Jingo here failed to secure the services of either Jeremy Paxman or his personal friend Terry Prachett. Fortunately for me, I was next on his list. Me, up there with the likes of Paxo and TP? Unlikely; the poor man only knows three people.

Therefore, I will attempt to fill the unworn boots of these two great men and hope to gather enough momentum to carry me into my own column in the Daily Express. Hallelujah.

Back to School

Alas half term is over and we are condemned to another month or so of tedious, tedious learning. At the moment I feel totally demotivated; Y11 seems such a repetitive and useless year, the only thing of note being GCSEs.

Having learnt roughly the same subjects for around 4 and a half years now I'm sick to death of subjects I know would not benefit me in the future whatsoever. Having got over the fear of GCSE results last year (2 A*s in Maths and French oh yeah) there is just nothing new or interesting to look forward to or even anticipate this year I hadn't done the last. And on top of that, the school I go to is absolutely shambolic and seems to have no funding whatsoever.

So here are just a few other reasons why I did not look forward to the new school term:

Tricentinary Appeal
Schools half-arsed attempt at raising money for a state-of-the-art outdoor field to celebrate Bluecoat's 300 years of educating scousers has backfired horribly. The school was planning on raising 2 million until it realised that was impossible. So they lower it to just 1 million. It's been half a year and the school has raised just over 400k. I expect to be constantly harangued for my preciously earned money over the next year or so.

Physics and Chemistry
Both subjects I will definitely be taking for A-Levels. Both utterly boring with pathetic teachers who have taught me very little. Both subjects I will definitely need to do Medicine. I'm growing more and more frustrated over the inadequate teaching I have received and these subjects are difficult enough as it is. Therefore I'll have to make up for lost ground and do extra work (scandalous I know) if I'm to receive even decent grades (and I want so much more).

French
Having revised night and day for my hard-earned A*, the school promised to make my french lessons a kind of "free" where I can do other things such as talk, revise etc. with others like me (and Torque) who were capable of completing the course early.

I soon discovered at the start of this academic year that these were lies. Filthy lies.

I now have to do work for a subject I never liked and I earn no qualifications for doing it. To make matters worse I must even be subjected to talking to the French Assistant Momo. It's all so tedious and unnecessary.

The Library
Full of Catch 22's and bureaucracy. And I am never allowed to print coursework. Oh and all the books are shit (and aimed for an audience of 10 year olds - Peter Pan, I mean wtf?).

Coursework
It seems never ending and consumes learning time.

So expect my life to be pretty miserable over the next term. Oh and I have mocks to look forward to. There is a silver lining after all.

BBC Falling Standards: Robin Hood, Spooks and Torchwood

Having always considered the BBC a pinacle in TV drama, I was both shocked and alarmed by the amount of rubbish they have been airing lately. Standards have definitely dropped over the past few months. The level of entertainment we can expect is highlighted by these three shows:

Spooks
If MI5 was really that interesting, we'd all be queueing up to join. Are we really likely to believe that MI5's top spy department consists of just 5 people, 2 of which have no experience whatsoever? The plots are repetitive and filled with disinteresting dialogue, not to mention the lack of any "fit birds" (as us scousers like to say). And it's all Al-Quaeda this, Al-Quaeda that... Every episode seems to be about muslim extremists (and the one episode that was not featured Israelis posing as mulsim extremists).

Actually, I'm a bit to harsh on it. It can be rivetting on (rare) occasions and it's one of the better BBC shows at the moment.

Torchwood
This show was so bad they put it on Freeview. Not only does it have a no-mark cast and terrible dialogue, it makes no sense whatsoever. From the brief few minutes I have watched it (it was so bad I had to change the channel midway) it seemed to be a Doctor Who spin-off expect with a raunchy twist. To give you a taste of the inexplicable and baffling plot the last episode was about some sex-crazed alien (why a sex-crazed alien would want humans is anyones guess).

Robin Hood
But the creme of the crop in terms of sheer awfulness has to go to Robin Hood. I know it's got a 7.30 time slot but they made it ridiculously PC. For example:

1. The Sheriff's Squire was black (how on earth could a black man in Medieval England ever rise to a such a high position? Infact, was it even likely that there was a black man in Medieval England? Who on earth would believe that?)
2. Robin Hood refused to actually harm anyone (He's a trained killer! It comepletely takes the edge out of Robin Hood)
3. And there is never any blood or pain (It's like a Medieval version of the A-Team. You'd think all that prancing around with swords someone should atleast get hurt.)
4. It was incredibly cringeworthy and melodramatic. At time it got so embaressing I had to look away
5. There only ever seems to be 5 sets used in the entirely filming of the show (castle, castle wall, village of Locksley, hanging square and forest).
6. Last episode the only decent character (apart from the Sheriff) was killed off in some ridiculously gallant deed.

Hopefully the BBC will pick up soon and show something decent for a change. If it gets any worse I must just start revising.

New Dawn. New Writer.

I have often wondered why my attempts at blogging failed... After about 5 minutes thought, I can sum up why:

I lack motivation. It's just a tad depressing once I realise (despite the long hours I spend on these posts and the comic genius I fill them with *cough*) that I still remain unheard in the blogging community and that, despite my best efforts, no one reads my blogs. Ever.

But what about my friends you may ask? Surely they read my blogs. Indeed they do but I want to do so much more with this blog, achieve things I can only dream of (for now anyway). And how will I ever accomplish this?

With help of course.

I have enlisted the help of literary mercenary, photoshop expert and sex hound Torquer who I had to beg and plead to consider contributing on my humble blog.

Hopefully, with our conbined expertise, we will run havok in cyberspace and become damn popular in the process.

This is the start of great things... great things.

Such a long time...

It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog. One thing led to another and the truth is I realised I would never achieve my goal of internet-based popularity I so craved for so (like every other internet project I have attempted) I just decided to give up.

And giving up was so easy that I eventually forgot about this blog. So why an unexpected return you may ask?

The story is a short one and inspiration came from the most unexpected of places.

It was a couple of days ago and I was extremely busy (preparing for mock gcses). For some inexplicable reason my msn was on and I noticed the screen name of a friend of mine from a far-away place.

His screen name proclaimed that he had set up a new blog. So I went on his new blog.

I read it and I realised it was good. Really good. Ten times more eloquent than anything I could ever write. You might even say it was inspirationally good. So I bookmarked it.

Then it hit me. Didn't I own a blog? So after a tedious search for username/password etc. from the depths of my mind (and Yahoo inbox) I signed onto Blogger and started writing this very post.

So anyway, the point of this post is, I have decided to ressurect this blog. I'm a year older and wiser and (judging by my past posts) a lot less angry and sarcastic. Maybe this blog will fail again but atleast its worth a try.

Oh yes, and visit Daltervia's blog. It's good stuff.

Things you might want to know about us...

Having stumbled upon this blog someway or another, curiosity has gotten the better of you and you feel compelled to know a little more about us. After all, who is behind these awesomely funny and totally interesting (or so we like to think) posts? What goes on behind the scenes of this legendary blog?

It is people like you this blog loves, and I implore you to bookmark us. Because we need the love.

Jingoistic's literary team consists of two kickass writers:

Me (Jingoistic) -
Chinese and British with a pessimistic and cynical outlook on life. Constantly angry, hate the north (especially Liverpool) and loaded with sarcasm.

Most posts will be written on a whim and filled with emotion and vulgarity. Despite the title of the blog, I am unpatriotic, like commenting on shallow politics and mocking Britain. Expect quite a few posts concerning China (and a lot of text in brackets).

Having lives in Liverpool for years, life goals are to get the hell out of Liverpool, see Liverpool Football Club win the Treble and pursue a career in Medicine. The rest of my life is exceptionally uninteresting.

Torquer -
A profound writer born in the slums of Manchester. Witty, satirical, debonair; all qualities we make do without. However, his writing style is much more thought-out and methodical than mine (not hard) which makes it perfectly suited to satire. He also takes much pleasure in constantly critisising his grammar.

If you thought my life was boring, his is unbearably worse. Interests include: Rallying support for Macs, organising his stationary meticulously and feeding his cat Hugo.

Since he's an incredibly lazy bastard don't expect more than a post a month. As a guest writer he doesn't really pull his weight around the place which makes me wonder sometimes why I ever pay him (oh wait... I don't).

OUR MISSION
What is the purpose of this blog? Why does this blog read like a poorly written humour magazine? Why do we act like our heads are stuck up our own arses?

All very reasonable questions to ask.

When I started this blog it was created for the purpose of venting my hatred for the injustice we face everyday. Somewhere to rant and rave without drawing odd looks. From there is progressed to the point where we realised we had the potential to make this blog great, which is exactly what we're trying to achieve at the moment.

Sure, this blog may have been created on a whim and an idle fancy but I really do believe I can reach out to a wider audience and entertain the masses. Call it ambitious, a silly notion but it can be achieved.

If we don't we won't lose sleep over it.

So if you feel sympathetic towards our cause or like what you read then bookmark or blogroll us. Help us on the long windy road to success.

RECENTLY
I found a massive flaw in this page; everything is subject to change. It's been a while since I wrote this post and things have certainly changed.

I now write for notfunny.ca, a Canadian humour website (Canadians? Humour? An oxymoron surely?). It's a start and I'm now one step closer to that elusive job as The Times Editor. These things take time.

I started this blog to post about my loser life and things of interest. Unfortunately, things of interest have taken over and I haven't written anything about my life really. I now seem to post mainly on current affairs (with a twist of controversial commentary) which seems to please the masses. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

The Secret to Success at GCSE English

What an English lesson! I didn't even care that I had to watch the shitty 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet with that git Leonardo Di Capprio in it. I didn't even care when I mis-pronounced melancholy so that it sounded like an italian pasta.

The fact is, I got an A*. For my first draft. Only me and Robin managed such a feat. Life is now perfect... for the day anyway.

The Essay was on Frankenstein and is now adorned with pleasing comments down the margins like: "fantastic!" and "very good point". I might keep the crumpled essay as a trophy of accomplishment so that in later life, I can tell everyone how kickass at english I was.

But the thing that irritates me the most is that I completely bullshitted through it. The result completely undermines my opinion of english analysis because I was just taking the piss at times. I don't think there's a chance in hell that Mary Shelley meant half the stuff I wrote about.

As if Victor suffered Post-Natal Depression. As if Teen Pregnancy relates to Frankenstein.

But to be honest, I couldn't care less because I now have an A*. And I've discovered the secret to success at English:

No matter how irrelevant the point, how absurd the opinion, how ridiculous the links. Write it and back it up. This is what we call "original interpretations". Teachers dig that shit and give A*s for that kind of radical thinking.

NHS...It's a Conspiracy!

I was reading 'The Times' last night and was not even mildly shocked when I found out how screwed the National Health Service has become thanks to Blair and his shitty policies. Of course, I knew all along that our free health service was shite when I had to wait a year and a half just to be put on the waiting list for braces and I still haven't had them fitted yet. That just about sums up the NHS blackhole, it's either that or I was subject to institutional racism, the bastards.

How on earth could Labour fuck up so badly as to lose billions every year? Either Labour are filled with incompetants or it's all a fucking conspiracy and the money is going into swiss banks to line the pockets of Mr. Blair.

The only solution is health insurance. We've got no choice but to scrap the stupid notion of giving everyone "free healthcare" and loosen the burden on taxpayers by forcing them to take on health insurance, at least this way they don't have to pay for the healthcare of fat lazy sods who can't be bothered to work. Just look how great it is in America.

This all seems a bit right wing for a socialist like me but this country is so fucked up it needs to be said.