Torquer Teaches Me How To Bank
Despite Torquer being a total bore, I felt the urge to phone him last night. I rarely call the boring git, but when I do these phone calls span hours, and last night’s was pretty damn long (around two hours). What could I possibly be talking about for two hours? Especially with a person who’s idea of fun would be to admire his IKEA furniture and alphabetically sort his Formula 1 magazines?
We could have been talking about the many numerous subjects our fellow peers like to talk about: football, girls, exams, anything remotely interesting. Instead, we were discussing finance, and how best I should invest my money.
What started out as a casual question about credit cards soon had Torquer telling me everything he knew about banking. I felt like I was talking to a financial consultant:
Torquer: I suggest you set yourself a Right Track current account at HSBC, and then set up an ISA. But make sure you do it before the end of the financial year! That way you’ll be able to put in £3000 before the end and then immediately after so you’ll get £6000’s worth of interest at HSBC’s awesome offer of 5.3% APR! Do you know how much money you’ll get through interest this way? That’s a lot of mullah!
Jingo: Why HSBC? Can’t I just go to Barclays and get a Mini Cash ISA for less interest? I can’t be bothered hauling myself off to HSBC, I’ve already got a child saver account at Barclays.(Torquer then laughs at my pitiful child saver account)
Torquer: Are you a fucking idiot or something? 0.1% of APR might not seem like much to someone as financially braindead as you but that 0.1% is worth that extra effort! You'll thank me when you have an extra £5 at the end of the year.
And this is coming from the person who, early today, refused to sell me one stick of chewing gum for 2 pence (He was holding out for 3 pence, citing that he had a family to feed. After much groveling, he did eventually take the 2 pence. But who on Earth charges for chewing gum?).
I really couldn't understand a thing he was talking about. But on his sound advice, I have set up a current account and am now the proud owner of a shiny HSBC debit card. Now if only I knew what to do with it...
We then spent an hour talking about Miss Congeniality, which I watched last night. Torquer said it was a "load of Bullock". Oh how I laughed.
30 comments:
It seems you have exercised your hyperbolitic skills somewhat here Jingo. I have yet to find a current account for under 18s that offers chip and pin, but if I did, HSBC can take their crappy 0.1% and shove it up their arses.
By the way, I categorise my F1 magazines in date order, not alphabetical you moron.
Advise from a former Citibank Worker: 1.Always save your first dollar, that is, save a fixed ammount each month.
2. When you reach a good sum, invest. Savings accounts don't pay much these days. 3. Never discuss money with someone who would sell his/her mom. He/she's trying to get something (nothing personal, just financial wisdom, ja,ja)
My advice on what to do with your debit card is under no circumstances to learn to disassociate it from actual money and end up very surprised when it gets declined when you're not even halfway down Oxford Street, and then end up very hungry until your next stuedent loan cheque because it turns out that comics, PC strategy games and 80s indie cds have no nutritional value... This happened to my, uh, friend.
I have only a cash card now, by choice. Still haven't got round to an ISA, which is a reassuring sign I'm not a proper grown-up yet.
i cant believe you have nothing better to do than discuss ISAs.
but is it actually true you can double your money inside a year???
plusssss add this shizzle if, like me, you think the voting age should be lowered (and you have myspace):
http://www.myspace.com/votesat16
if you either dont agree with me or dont have myspace, then you should. so there.
peace out
Don't worry Torque, there is absolutely nothing wrong in admiring IKEA! (No sarcasm in that at all)
Jingo, i would be so damn grateful if only i had a friend who actually knows something about investment.
I've been wanting to invest for a couple of years now, but just have no idea where to start. Thought about investing in a costly consultation with a financial consultant, but wasn't sure if my future investments will be worth the investment in the first place...
You can trust Torquer to manage your finance when you enter workforce in future. ;) And I somehow have a feeling that you secretly think that Torquer is a highly interesting person, just that you don't want to swallow your pride and admit it. :P
Torquer: You're saying my card isn't chip and pin? Then what am I supposed to do with it?
Ah my bad, next time I'll get it right!
usual stuff: Invest? In what would you suggest?
violet: Ah I can't wait for student life! PC strategy games? Like what? I wouldn't sell my Medieval 2 Total War even if it meant I go hungry!
Leo: yes, we are incredibly sad.
But 16? Are you insane?!?
Sciurine: Yes, I suppose I should be grateful... He has given me much such advice, I dunno what I'd do without him.
Miao: I suggested that to him, and all I got was a string of obscenities!
And he's about as interesting as stale cheese...
And I see no one's commented on the title of this post... I suppose it's only amusing to a sick minded individual such as myself ;)
* snigger *
You smutty devil, you.
Honestly, kids today..
* tut *
But really, all jokes about 'banking' aside, HSBC are evil. EVIL, I tell you.
Oh boys, play nicely! ;)
FYI, IKEA rocks!
It's a good idea to invest on something that keeps you from placing your hands on your money too soon. In USA, government bonuses are a good idea. Your banking representative could give you some good ideas. Good luck!
Investing in capital is the beginning. From there its a short step to "just a few stocks? can't hurt me hay? After all whats a few stocks and shares betwen friends.Every bodies doing it.. Then thats the gateway drug. After the stocks its hedge funds, ... off shore accounts and a life spun out of control on a heady mix of imaginary profits, false accounting, dizzying tax evasion plans... before you know it ... you may be rich in cash terms, but the working week has 84 hours!!
Money is false idol Mr J - why not have sex with Mr Torquer - I am sure he would appreciate it more...given your legendary prowess between the sheets.
Ah, Medieval Total War - depriving me of the nocturnal company of Mr Violet since... er, since it came out. I wish it pain. I occasionally debate scratching the hell outta the cd when he's not in, but it would upset him so much...
My own purchase at the time of the debit card hedonism was a Civilisation compendium and Settlers expansion. I am not even remotely a proper girl.
Many financial advisors are crooks trying to get you to buy what nets them the biggest commission.
Never buy life insurance as an investment..that's one of the latest scams.
good luck on your path to financial security.
Jing!!!
i think i will never love Liverpool as much as Manchester......
but i do have to say that there are some sexy liverpoolians....
it was awesome talkin to you today, and i hope your banking goes well...
device: Yes they are evil... I never said Torquer gave good advice. I realised there were higher interest rates elsewhere...
Mutley: You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with my sexuality... I very much doubt he would be appreciative.
violet: ask mr violet what his screen name is... I could play him online sometime... ;)
If he's good enough, he can join my clan!
Hammer: I doubt I'll buy life insurance at my age...
Baie: Don't worry, Manchester is a better place to live than Liverpool. I'm just jealous!
And you're right, I am an awesome person ;)
I know how you feel about finances, confusing isn't it?
Thanks for the comment on my blog, and I actually am on the same side of the pond as you, not too far from where you are actually.
Well, not much to say except can I hire out Torq to do my taxes? Hmmmmm?
Unfortunately, I have much more important things to do than other people taxes. Geography coursework is very demanding these days. Plus, I wouldn't know what to do with tax. I don't pay it!
All the financial talk is confusing me.
But, I must say, IKEA makes some pretty good furniture.
I notice you ignored 90% of what I said Mr J...
Are you trying to say that torquer's a banker?
lola: Yes it is confusing, which is why I'm getting my friend to sort it out for me.
And my apologies for calling you American. I naturally assumed you were when you wrote about Maple syrup...
idbug: NO! Torquer will be doing MY taxes ;)
Torquer: We all know you don't have a life anyway so help us out...
thethinker: IKEA furniture has no character or soul!
Mutley: I apologise for that. But that implying i'm gay with Torquer kinda took first priority when replying to comments.
Believe me Mutley, I wouldn't be capable of such acts of financial deviance. I'll get Torquer to do it for me.
Gaz: Torquer is the biggest baner I know ;)
At 16 the only kind of banking I indulged in began with a 'W'.
Cheers,
~ DeBunkem
It's banking all the way with me!
hi, thank you for leaving a comment. i enjoyed reading your blog. i understand you want to study medicine, from reading your profile? that is what i want to do too.
Medicine is indeed the dream...
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Virtual Memory sure is becoming cheaper and cheaper and cheaper. I wonder when we will finally hit the rate of 1 cent to 1 Gigabyte.
I'm quietly waiting for the day when I will finally be able to afford a 20 terabyte harddisk, hahaha. But for now I will be satisfied with having a 16 gig Micro SD in my R4i.
(Posted on FFV2 for R4i Nintendo DS.)
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