300

I can't believe how poor this film is.

You don't need to have read Sun Tzu's "The Art of War", Machiavelli's "Dell'arte della guerra" or even played on Rome Total War to realise that the warefare in 300 had no tactics whatsoever. This is totally unsatisfactory, considering this is an adaptation of the Battle of Thermopylaie, when vastly out-numbered Spartan hopilites out-manouvred the Persians in one of the most famous last stands in history.

I'm no film connosseur, and I don't watch innovative indie art films. I was prepared to overlook the pathetic dialogue and boring plot as long as it redeemed itself with the "Lord of the Rings"/"Kingdom of Heaven" style epic battles scenes I had expected when I watched the trailer.

Instead it was just close-up filming of Leonidas and (at most) ten other Spartans slashing at ethnic minorities, and making "hwargh" sounds whenever they reach a milestone of kills (that's the level of dialogue you should expect when watching this film).

This gets repetitive after awhile

And I know that a great deal has been made about how the film misrepresents the Persians in history, and how it's propaganda for the war in Iraq. At the time, I thought: "That's a load of bollocks". But having watched the film, I have to admit, they have a point.

I saw nothing wrong with King Leonidas hacking at waves of Iraqi insurgent look-a-likes, but Xerxe's special guard (The Immortals) were taking the piss a bit.

Wait until you see what's underneath those masks

They looked like Taliban wearing mongol masks carrying samurai swords. I mean that's pretty far-fetched to begin with, but when they took off their masks, they looked like extras from Resident Evil (You see them in the trailer, but not their zombie faces). Although they look like your Asian stereotype of super-warriors, underneath it all they are bloodthirsty zombies. I can see how associating Asians with pure evil can be a tad insulting.

Not as exciting as it looks

And let's not forget the monsters, and African animals (it was a joke how little they featured, and how unexciting they were). And Xerxes himself who's a 7-foot freaky homosexual with a very camp voice synthesised so that it's deep.

I can't see how anyone could be so shallow as to like this film (unless you enjoy looking at chiselled abs. In which case, this film must have been incredibly enjoyable).

Add. Maths

My brain felt like it had just endured several bottles of German schnapps. My neck hurt, my back hurt, my wrist hurt, my eyes could no longer focus properly. I felt like collapsing on the cold concrete and wait for the numbness in my mind to subside, or at least until I got my vision back.

As I walked home, I kept asking myself: "What the fuck happened?"

Having been left to squint at a ridiculously hard test paper in a darkened room for over two hours, I can be fairly certain it was maths. I mean, there were numbers and x's and y's and stuff, but it asked me crazy questions about binomial expansion and kinematics and crap I can't even begin to contemplate.

To say I was overwhelmed would be a bit of an understatement - Binomial expansion seems to need about a tree's worth of paper just to fit it all in and kinematics... I didn't even know such a term existed until last week.

What happened to the Jingo of old who beat 120 people in his year in the KS3 Maths SATs and basically owned everyone in the subject? Ah, those were the days when I was sharp as a knife and algebra would solve itself right in front of my eyes...

But now-a-days, I'm so confused I don't even know whether to differentiate or to integrate anymore. People walk past me, watching me slave over an equation, probably thinking to themselves: "That poor bastard, if only he knew you have to differentiate to find the gradient..."

So it's a fall from grace. I put it down to naivety, lack of revision and overconfidence (being a cocky bastard).

I have made a vow to myself that I'll revise 3 hours every night. Honest. This time I'll actually stick to it instead of procrastinating in front of the computer.

Actually, I haven't even got my results back so we'll wait and see.

Let The Music Do The Talking

Since I no longer have to worry about coursework, and have badly over-estimated the amount of time I'll revising, I have freed up quite a bit of time.

So I thought I might as well do this music tag of my top 10 songs. I tend to "acquire" hundreds of albums, and I've got about twenty gigabytes of music, so choosing just ten to list here proved quite tough.

My taste also changes every few weeks, so I can never stick to one band or one song. Since the collection is so massive, I occasionally discover hidden gems in my own collection, or I re-listen to old albums and realise the songs have grown on me. Sometimes I just get albums for the sake of getting albums, and only listen to them months later, Or even not at all.

So anyway, here's the list:

1. Ignoreland - R.E.M
One of my favourite bands. A friend gave me "Automatic For The People" and every song on it is pure class.

2. Cosmic Girl - Jamiroquai
This was the first song I heard by Jamiroquai, and it's clearly his best (although his best album is Dynamite). I then became a massive fan of his, even his earlier acid jazz stuff, which has grown on me lately.

3. Reason is Treason - Kasabian
When I first got the album off Torquer, I hated it. I didn't even listen to it. I gave it a chance months later and found their electronic rock quite psychedelic - it was like listening to music on drugs. Definitely not your conventional boy band.

4. Love In An Elevator - Aerosmith
Another one of those bands I loved when I was younger (I've moved on from them since then). They are one of the few glam rock bands I actually like.

5. You Got The Style - Athlete
Britpop at its finest. Will I ever get tired of Athlete? Although not a big band, these guys are fantastic.

6. Manchester - The Beautiful South
That's right, I like old music as well. I doubt anyone outside the UK will have heard of them, but their witty lyrics and mellow tunes are brilliant.

7. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows
An American indie band (I think). I was bored at a party watching a music channel when this song popped up. Based on that one song, I got their Films About Ghosts (their greatest hits).

8. 19-2000 (Soulchild remix) - Gorillaz
This is the best remix I've ever heard - All remixes should sound like this. I also recommend Gorillaz - Their electronic tunes are perfect for parties.

9. Living For The Weekend - Hard-Fi
I discovered them whilst in London, and I saw a big poster advertising their "Stars of CCTV". Very catchy tunes.

10. Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) - Lostprophets
Don't let their emo look fool you, they are an excellent metal band. Rooftops in particular is very inspiration and I can imagine it being played in the stadiums.

This list will probably change in a couple of weeks time. To finish off, I'll list the albums I acquired this month:

Cassadega - Bright Eyes
Dreams: Ultimate Collection - The Corrs (ah the nostalgia...)
Yes, Virginia - The Dresden Dolls
The Remote Part - Idlewild
Get Born - JET

If I carry on at this rate, I'll have no space on my computer anymore.

I tag anyone who can be bothered.

No More Coursework

Oh the relief...

Over the Easter Holidays, I have been fretting for many an hour about the marks of my coursework. If I do well then I've got a head start for my GCSEs, and it'll boost my chances of a high grade. Do poorly and I'll have condemned myself to shit grades before I've even sat the test.

I'm not sure if they have a similar system in other countries, but the UK assesses their students with GCSEs at the end of Key Stage 4 (I'll be sixteen when I sit my exams, so just think the equivalent). Part of the assessment is coursework, which contributes to a percentage of the grade (the percentage depends on the subject. At the moment I'm not even sure the exact percentages for each subject).

Coursework was the governments idea of getting students to think in a different way and experience what "real life" is all about - Normally the coursework involves some kind of large project that then needs to be documented like a kind of extremely diluted thesis or somethin'. It's stupid because marks are determined by the amount of effort the school/teacher is willing to put in, and how willing they are to "bend the rules". It's also incredibly easy to plagiarise since there's a million resources on the Internet.

That's why the government has decided to scrap it. My year will be the last to ever do it.

So anyway, I'm really rubbish at coursework for some strange reason. Something to do with my lack of ability to write reams and reams of waffle. I have spent hours and hours re-writing and correcting coursework, only to have it handed back to me with even more agitated scribbles and red pen. To have finally put coursework behind me is like a weight off my shoulders.

But there's still the actual GCSE exams to think about, so it'll be a stressful two months ahead...

I probably won't be able to blog as much, so don't cry for me if I'm not as active online as the date approaches (apologies in advance if I don't comment on your blogs).

In other news, I had my mock interview today. I'll probably do a post on that later. I also realise I've been tagged twice and haven't gotten round to doing them - I apologise. I've been incredibly busy.

Last thing to add - Go to Torquer's blog. Find out about the guy I constantly slag off.

High Street

After scrutinising the contents of my rather sparse wardrobe, it dawned on me that I was a growing boy and couldn't keep wearing clothes I've owned for over five years. It's not that I don't care about my image, I actually care about it a great deal - It's just I'm such an incredibly lazy and busy person that I can't spare the time to go to town and do a little shopping.

If I were to burn all the clothes I deem to be uncool, and ignored all my cold weather clothing, I would be left with practically nothing to wear. Therefore I made some hasty phone calls to get some of my mates into town to accompany me whilst I get kitted up for the Summer.

I was glad I brought Torquer with me, who despite dragging me into a "Tesco Metro" to buy one tube of toothpaste (to earn club card points and use up club card vouchers) and a "Boots" to buy some Dead Sea facial scrub, seems to possess unrivalled knowledge of every clothing retailer in Liverpool.

I don't normally shop in any of the fashionable outlets (or shop at all) so it was slightly intimidating when we entered shops like "Topman", "Burton" and "GAP" where the doors are flanked by emos clad in black with various bits of metal nailed to their faces. Topman in particular was some kind of grungefest, where a hybrid species of Surfer/Emo had evolved.

I also noticed that stripes seem to be incredibly fashionable right now, especially stripey hoodies (to cater to the chav community no doubt). Burton had nothing but stripes and I left when I couldn't find a single fleece with a zip (not in season apparently).

And GAP - £40 for a pair of jeans? Are you having a laugh? Just because it's multi-tonal and has a couple of fashionable rips doesn't mean I'm gonna fork out an extra £30 for a pair. Torquer told me that Marks & Spencers do jeans that look exactly the same as GAP for half the price which made me feel somewhat better (he's a wealth of information that lad. Don't know what I'd do without him).

You may gather from all this that I don't go shopping often. The most I've spent on one piece of clothing was a pair of trainers for £40. The idea of spending more than £5 for a shirt or £10 for a pair of jeans makes me hyperventilate.

So we rounded off the day with a trip to the MetQuarter - where the most fashionable shops are situated (Gucci Exchange, Prada etc.). We didn't buy anything (far too expensive), but we did see Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill shopping there.

People who watched the 2006 World Cup or are fans of the Australia national team may be familiar with Tim Cahill, who scored twice against Japan in the World Cup finals and was part of the team that nearly beat the eventual winners Italy - So he's pretty damn famous. I wanted to get my picture taken with him but my friends wouldn't allow it - they claimed that since we were Liverpool fans, it would be like fraternising with the enemy.

A shame really. Later on we watched a crappy Horror film.

I plan to go on another shopping expedition after my GCSEs. Hopefully then I'll actually buy something.

Horror Films and The Truth About Torquer

Have I become really desensitised, or have horror films become really un-scary of late? I went to town last Saturday with a few friends in the hope of buying some new clothes but ended up loitering until six, then being forced to watch "The Messengers" at the shitty Odeon (which cost me £8.30 in total - almost the same price I paid for the two sexy T-shirts I bought that day).

After watching "The Messengers", I have decided: a.) to never go to the rip-off Odeon ever again b.) never watch a rated 15 horror film ever again. I sat through the film bored out of my mind, trying to scare my mates by proving commentary (which didn't go down too well).

Horror films have no creativity these days - they all seem to follow the same rules. For example, the little pale blue ghost boy that looks like it's been rotting in a stagnated lake for months. I remember seeing the same thing in the Grudge (except the one in the Grudge was less CGI'd) so I got a distinct feeling of deja vu (both were about families moving into derelict houses, only to be freaked out by the ghost kid who happens to haunt the place) when watching this. The idea of the creepy little kid has been so over-used it's about as scary as Casper.

The resemblance is uncanny
And the boring shock tactics - I see no point in something jumping at me unless it's really unexpected. They build it up with slow movement and dramatic music but when it comes to the actual shock part it's just so anti-climatic. Perhaps I'm just nit-picking but horror films have become so samey and boring.

So if I ever watch a horror film ever again, it'll be an 18. None of that namby-pamby 15 rated stuff for me.

Afterwards, I was a little concerned about Torquer who had been impassive throughout the film - he hadn't moved a muscle and looked like he had been in a coma.

Only then did it dawn on me - Torquer's house was haunted.

It made so much sense: his exploding television, his mum hurling herself off a flight of stairs in the night, his shelves flying off his wall (I'm not making this up, Torquer told me himself)... Hilarious calamities that are completely unconnected? Or something more sinister?

And I've just remembered - his family bought the house cheap after the previous residents died in "mysterious circumstances". I wouldn't be surprised if his walls dripped with blood in the night and ghouls flied out of his cellar (I assume he has a cellar. It's probably boarded up to hide the hidden Indian burial ground the house was built on).

No wonder Torquer is so weird and charges people for pencils. The paranormal activities in his house must have addled his brain, causing him to persue such unusual past times such as lemon-growing, Formula 1 watching and Ikea assembling.

As soon as he comes back from Nottingham, I'll quiz him on this.

In other news, I met Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill whilst shopping in the Met Quarter! But I'll save that for another post.

Sefton Park

The phone starts ringing.

Oh God no, not again. I really should have learnt from the last time I left my cordless phone in my room. The room was basked in a golden glow as I groped for the phone.

Robin: Can you make to Sefton Park today?
Jingo: What? At this hour?
Robin: It's half ten, Jingo. It's hardly the early hours of the morning.
Jingo: (checks watch) Oh right... So what's this talk about going to the park? It's 6 weeks before the GCSEs! I'm not jeopardising my future just to have a frivolous game of football.
Robin: So? Stop being a loser.
Jingo: I have a study routine going on here, I can't abandon it! I have a future to work towards!
Robin: Seriously dude... You're beginning to sound like Torquer...
Jingo: What? No!
Robin: Even he's showing up...

As I was on the phone, I drew back the curtains to reveal a perfect spring morning - The radiant shimmering sun-drenched landscape of the outside world a perfect contrast to my depressingly dingy bedroom. I realised it would be criminal not to capitalise on such a fine day.

So I had no choice - I went to Sefton Park. We spent hours there kicking the ball around until the point where we couldn't move because of cramp.

I also learnt a valuable lesson - never wear glasses when playing football. Torquer somehow managed to smack the ball at my face from point-blank range, and my glasses managed to somehow dig into my eyes and fly off my face simultaneously. I stumbled around on the glass groping for them while he laughed in my face, feigning concern.

I was on my hattrick as well, the bastard.

So all thoughts of revision flew out of my mind. I may fail my GCSEs but atleast I got a decent game of football.