The Secret Policemans' Ball

Yesterday Amnesty International revived The Secret Policemans' Ball... How could it live up to the standard set by Cleese and co.? The truth is it didn't.

The show started off strong with a good performance of stand up from Eddie Izzard. Jon Culshaw and Ronny Ancora did some excellent impressions (as usual) and a cameo performance from Natalie Imbruglia in a routine with Dave Armand was surprisingly entertaining. New-comer Andrew Maxwell was incredibly funny although his stand-up was sadly short-lived.

But who ever cares about the things that go right? The following acts were a serious let-down:

Al Murray - He performed his very British (shitty) Pub Landlord act but added a pantomine twist to it. Since he's a crap comedian to begin with it doesn't really matter.

Russel Brand - I grudgingly admit that his stand-up was pretty decent last night. However, he still sounds like a prat and looks like a prat.

There was also a really poor manor houses sketch where they basically paraded some semi-famous British comedians and some no-mark actors (mostly from Greenwing).

But it was the Americans that were the real let-down:

Chevy Chase - What's he famous for? His sketch was a total dissapointment, especially since it was meant to be one of the highlights of the show. Even Seth Green couldn't improve it.

Jimmy Falon - Another no-mark American loser. After watching Jon Culshaw and Ronni Ancora, his impressions were unimpressive. Even Barry off Eastenders was funnier (and he only got about 5 lines).

Sarah Silverman - Highly anticipated act gone horribly wrong (another "famous" name I've never heard of). Her stand-up probably generated the least laughs, mainly because she failed when talking about controversial issues like racism, rape, abuse (some of the easiest topics to make funny). If she wants to succeed at stand-up she should take lessons from Eddie Izzard.

What Silverman thought of her act last night

Since all the American acts sucked, this could only mean American humour is shit (which is a relief since Britain are finally good at something).

Oh and the musical acts were surprising. They weren't bad but the Zutons and Magic Numbers? You would expect U2, oasis or some other big name bands to grace the show.

So The Secret Policemans' Ball was an utter letdown. But also American comedians are rubbish.

Halloween

It stikes me rather odd that the so called 'Mischief Night' is directly before the actual Halloween festivities. The object of Mischeif Night is to buy lots of eggs, toilet paper, flour etc and throw them at small cats and at people's doors. Then, the next night the same people go round to the same houses and actually demand confectionary from them, such as sweets and other edible delights.

Anne Widdecombe joins the festivities

How can a minority of arseholes get away with things like that? Ah well, atleast the distribution of free sweets will be finished for another year after tonight. Now we can wake up to full blown firework displays at 2am. I can hardly wait.

Kanu Believe It?: The Ultimate Comeback in Football

When talking about modern world-class footballers, people think Zidane, Figo, Ronaldo (and other galaticos). Now in my opinion (and I doubt many would share my opinion) that if you were to search for a World Class player you had only to look at the Portsmouth team.

The player I am talking about is Nwankwo "Padillo" Kanu; founder of the Kanu Heart Foundation, Nigerian superstar, wife of Igbo Beauty Pride, African Footballer of the Year (ten times) and a nice guy to boot (no pun intended). He is also, in my opinion, the ultimate comeback king.

The Highs
He began his career kicking arse at Ajax with his silky ball skills and flamboyant moves; accumulating medals, African footballer of the year awards and captaining the Nigerian Team (for his efforts he won Gold at Atlanta 1996 Olympics). Then he moved on to a higher platform. And that platform was Arsenal.

Now being a Liverpool fan, I was never very fond of Arsenal. And until recently, Nwankwo Kanu was just a decent player with an unfortunate name. However, I think his achievements there speak for themselves:

• The Double in 2002
• FA Cup in 2003
• Premier League in 2004
• African Footballer of the Year (Again. The Man has won more of these than I will take GCSEs)

The Lows
But despite his efforts, he soon found himself pushed to the side by emerging star Thierry Henry. Everything went downhill from there.

After a season on the bench, Arsenal decided he was not worth a new contract. Therefore they sold him for around 3 million (a mere pittance. Definitely a price tag that did not do him justice) to West Bromich Albion, who were Premiership no-hopers and destined to relegation; a career dead end for any player of any ambition.

Kanu was an instant hit and his contribution saved them from relegation that season (despite an ominous warning of the season ahead when he missed an absolute sitter in the first game). Second season was poor and the club were relegated (as expected). Many blamed the manager (Brian Robson) for not utilizing Kanu to the best of his abilities. Despite this, they were promoted in season 05/06.

When Robson offered Kanu a new contract for his part in lifting the club back into the Premiership, Kanu refused and became a free agent (good thing too since West Brom’s season was a distaster and they crashed to relegation).

The Comeback (or... When Padillo met Harry)
At the time, Portsmouth was going under a revival just like Kanu would soon do. They were now backed by a filthy rich Russian and Pompey had become the poor man’s Chelsea. With their vast wealth they bought a host of players (mostly rejects from Tottenham. The most famous being Pedro Mendes) that just couldn’t gel. It was during the 05/06 season that they signed Kanu on a free transfer.

It seemed insane for Harry Rednapp (Portsmouth manager) to sign a no-mark striker like Kanu when he had such riches at his disposal. But this was exactly the chance Kanu needed and he is now top scorer in the Premiership with 6 goals to his name.

And thus ends the ultimate comeback story. You probably don’t care so I’m just gonna go off to watch the Liverpool vs. Bordeaux match now.

All Torque, No Walk

It has come to my attention that a certain web-log (to use the original phrase) is in dire need of a reputable writer to inundate its pixels with an orgy of texts, both appropriate and unsuitable. Unfortunately for him, Jingo here failed to secure the services of either Jeremy Paxman or his personal friend Terry Prachett. Fortunately for me, I was next on his list. Me, up there with the likes of Paxo and TP? Unlikely; the poor man only knows three people.

Therefore, I will attempt to fill the unworn boots of these two great men and hope to gather enough momentum to carry me into my own column in the Daily Express. Hallelujah.

Back to School

Alas half term is over and we are condemned to another month or so of tedious, tedious learning. At the moment I feel totally demotivated; Y11 seems such a repetitive and useless year, the only thing of note being GCSEs.

Having learnt roughly the same subjects for around 4 and a half years now I'm sick to death of subjects I know would not benefit me in the future whatsoever. Having got over the fear of GCSE results last year (2 A*s in Maths and French oh yeah) there is just nothing new or interesting to look forward to or even anticipate this year I hadn't done the last. And on top of that, the school I go to is absolutely shambolic and seems to have no funding whatsoever.

So here are just a few other reasons why I did not look forward to the new school term:

Tricentinary Appeal
Schools half-arsed attempt at raising money for a state-of-the-art outdoor field to celebrate Bluecoat's 300 years of educating scousers has backfired horribly. The school was planning on raising 2 million until it realised that was impossible. So they lower it to just 1 million. It's been half a year and the school has raised just over 400k. I expect to be constantly harangued for my preciously earned money over the next year or so.

Physics and Chemistry
Both subjects I will definitely be taking for A-Levels. Both utterly boring with pathetic teachers who have taught me very little. Both subjects I will definitely need to do Medicine. I'm growing more and more frustrated over the inadequate teaching I have received and these subjects are difficult enough as it is. Therefore I'll have to make up for lost ground and do extra work (scandalous I know) if I'm to receive even decent grades (and I want so much more).

French
Having revised night and day for my hard-earned A*, the school promised to make my french lessons a kind of "free" where I can do other things such as talk, revise etc. with others like me (and Torque) who were capable of completing the course early.

I soon discovered at the start of this academic year that these were lies. Filthy lies.

I now have to do work for a subject I never liked and I earn no qualifications for doing it. To make matters worse I must even be subjected to talking to the French Assistant Momo. It's all so tedious and unnecessary.

The Library
Full of Catch 22's and bureaucracy. And I am never allowed to print coursework. Oh and all the books are shit (and aimed for an audience of 10 year olds - Peter Pan, I mean wtf?).

Coursework
It seems never ending and consumes learning time.

So expect my life to be pretty miserable over the next term. Oh and I have mocks to look forward to. There is a silver lining after all.

BBC Falling Standards: Robin Hood, Spooks and Torchwood

Having always considered the BBC a pinacle in TV drama, I was both shocked and alarmed by the amount of rubbish they have been airing lately. Standards have definitely dropped over the past few months. The level of entertainment we can expect is highlighted by these three shows:

Spooks
If MI5 was really that interesting, we'd all be queueing up to join. Are we really likely to believe that MI5's top spy department consists of just 5 people, 2 of which have no experience whatsoever? The plots are repetitive and filled with disinteresting dialogue, not to mention the lack of any "fit birds" (as us scousers like to say). And it's all Al-Quaeda this, Al-Quaeda that... Every episode seems to be about muslim extremists (and the one episode that was not featured Israelis posing as mulsim extremists).

Actually, I'm a bit to harsh on it. It can be rivetting on (rare) occasions and it's one of the better BBC shows at the moment.

Torchwood
This show was so bad they put it on Freeview. Not only does it have a no-mark cast and terrible dialogue, it makes no sense whatsoever. From the brief few minutes I have watched it (it was so bad I had to change the channel midway) it seemed to be a Doctor Who spin-off expect with a raunchy twist. To give you a taste of the inexplicable and baffling plot the last episode was about some sex-crazed alien (why a sex-crazed alien would want humans is anyones guess).

Robin Hood
But the creme of the crop in terms of sheer awfulness has to go to Robin Hood. I know it's got a 7.30 time slot but they made it ridiculously PC. For example:

1. The Sheriff's Squire was black (how on earth could a black man in Medieval England ever rise to a such a high position? Infact, was it even likely that there was a black man in Medieval England? Who on earth would believe that?)
2. Robin Hood refused to actually harm anyone (He's a trained killer! It comepletely takes the edge out of Robin Hood)
3. And there is never any blood or pain (It's like a Medieval version of the A-Team. You'd think all that prancing around with swords someone should atleast get hurt.)
4. It was incredibly cringeworthy and melodramatic. At time it got so embaressing I had to look away
5. There only ever seems to be 5 sets used in the entirely filming of the show (castle, castle wall, village of Locksley, hanging square and forest).
6. Last episode the only decent character (apart from the Sheriff) was killed off in some ridiculously gallant deed.

Hopefully the BBC will pick up soon and show something decent for a change. If it gets any worse I must just start revising.

New Dawn. New Writer.

I have often wondered why my attempts at blogging failed... After about 5 minutes thought, I can sum up why:

I lack motivation. It's just a tad depressing once I realise (despite the long hours I spend on these posts and the comic genius I fill them with *cough*) that I still remain unheard in the blogging community and that, despite my best efforts, no one reads my blogs. Ever.

But what about my friends you may ask? Surely they read my blogs. Indeed they do but I want to do so much more with this blog, achieve things I can only dream of (for now anyway). And how will I ever accomplish this?

With help of course.

I have enlisted the help of literary mercenary, photoshop expert and sex hound Torquer who I had to beg and plead to consider contributing on my humble blog.

Hopefully, with our conbined expertise, we will run havok in cyberspace and become damn popular in the process.

This is the start of great things... great things.

Such a long time...

It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog. One thing led to another and the truth is I realised I would never achieve my goal of internet-based popularity I so craved for so (like every other internet project I have attempted) I just decided to give up.

And giving up was so easy that I eventually forgot about this blog. So why an unexpected return you may ask?

The story is a short one and inspiration came from the most unexpected of places.

It was a couple of days ago and I was extremely busy (preparing for mock gcses). For some inexplicable reason my msn was on and I noticed the screen name of a friend of mine from a far-away place.

His screen name proclaimed that he had set up a new blog. So I went on his new blog.

I read it and I realised it was good. Really good. Ten times more eloquent than anything I could ever write. You might even say it was inspirationally good. So I bookmarked it.

Then it hit me. Didn't I own a blog? So after a tedious search for username/password etc. from the depths of my mind (and Yahoo inbox) I signed onto Blogger and started writing this very post.

So anyway, the point of this post is, I have decided to ressurect this blog. I'm a year older and wiser and (judging by my past posts) a lot less angry and sarcastic. Maybe this blog will fail again but atleast its worth a try.

Oh yes, and visit Daltervia's blog. It's good stuff.

Things you might want to know about us...

Having stumbled upon this blog someway or another, curiosity has gotten the better of you and you feel compelled to know a little more about us. After all, who is behind these awesomely funny and totally interesting (or so we like to think) posts? What goes on behind the scenes of this legendary blog?

It is people like you this blog loves, and I implore you to bookmark us. Because we need the love.

Jingoistic's literary team consists of two kickass writers:

Me (Jingoistic) -
Chinese and British with a pessimistic and cynical outlook on life. Constantly angry, hate the north (especially Liverpool) and loaded with sarcasm.

Most posts will be written on a whim and filled with emotion and vulgarity. Despite the title of the blog, I am unpatriotic, like commenting on shallow politics and mocking Britain. Expect quite a few posts concerning China (and a lot of text in brackets).

Having lives in Liverpool for years, life goals are to get the hell out of Liverpool, see Liverpool Football Club win the Treble and pursue a career in Medicine. The rest of my life is exceptionally uninteresting.

Torquer -
A profound writer born in the slums of Manchester. Witty, satirical, debonair; all qualities we make do without. However, his writing style is much more thought-out and methodical than mine (not hard) which makes it perfectly suited to satire. He also takes much pleasure in constantly critisising his grammar.

If you thought my life was boring, his is unbearably worse. Interests include: Rallying support for Macs, organising his stationary meticulously and feeding his cat Hugo.

Since he's an incredibly lazy bastard don't expect more than a post a month. As a guest writer he doesn't really pull his weight around the place which makes me wonder sometimes why I ever pay him (oh wait... I don't).

OUR MISSION
What is the purpose of this blog? Why does this blog read like a poorly written humour magazine? Why do we act like our heads are stuck up our own arses?

All very reasonable questions to ask.

When I started this blog it was created for the purpose of venting my hatred for the injustice we face everyday. Somewhere to rant and rave without drawing odd looks. From there is progressed to the point where we realised we had the potential to make this blog great, which is exactly what we're trying to achieve at the moment.

Sure, this blog may have been created on a whim and an idle fancy but I really do believe I can reach out to a wider audience and entertain the masses. Call it ambitious, a silly notion but it can be achieved.

If we don't we won't lose sleep over it.

So if you feel sympathetic towards our cause or like what you read then bookmark or blogroll us. Help us on the long windy road to success.

RECENTLY
I found a massive flaw in this page; everything is subject to change. It's been a while since I wrote this post and things have certainly changed.

I now write for notfunny.ca, a Canadian humour website (Canadians? Humour? An oxymoron surely?). It's a start and I'm now one step closer to that elusive job as The Times Editor. These things take time.

I started this blog to post about my loser life and things of interest. Unfortunately, things of interest have taken over and I haven't written anything about my life really. I now seem to post mainly on current affairs (with a twist of controversial commentary) which seems to please the masses. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

The Secret to Success at GCSE English

What an English lesson! I didn't even care that I had to watch the shitty 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet with that git Leonardo Di Capprio in it. I didn't even care when I mis-pronounced melancholy so that it sounded like an italian pasta.

The fact is, I got an A*. For my first draft. Only me and Robin managed such a feat. Life is now perfect... for the day anyway.

The Essay was on Frankenstein and is now adorned with pleasing comments down the margins like: "fantastic!" and "very good point". I might keep the crumpled essay as a trophy of accomplishment so that in later life, I can tell everyone how kickass at english I was.

But the thing that irritates me the most is that I completely bullshitted through it. The result completely undermines my opinion of english analysis because I was just taking the piss at times. I don't think there's a chance in hell that Mary Shelley meant half the stuff I wrote about.

As if Victor suffered Post-Natal Depression. As if Teen Pregnancy relates to Frankenstein.

But to be honest, I couldn't care less because I now have an A*. And I've discovered the secret to success at English:

No matter how irrelevant the point, how absurd the opinion, how ridiculous the links. Write it and back it up. This is what we call "original interpretations". Teachers dig that shit and give A*s for that kind of radical thinking.