Total War

I feel compelled to write a post about Medieval 2 Total War.

I own three other computer games: Sim City 4000, The Sims 2, Football Manager 2007 but it is the addition of an online feature which has made Medieval such a rivetting game and it has me hooked.

Me and my friends bought the game a while back and started playing battles online. Before I knew it I was caught up in the excitement, formed a clan and became a hardcore gamer. Instead of organising dates to go to the cinema we now organise when to go online... how sad have we become?

The process of online battling involves a lot of waiting. First we would wait until all the "clan" (we set up a clan to gain respect amongst the other gamers) were online, then we would wait for a person to host a battle. We then wait until everyone joins the battle. And then we wait for opponents. We then choose our armies and wait for everyone to finish. Once we are all ready the battle loads and we wait. Only then do we begin the battle, knowing that our prides are at stake.

At any point in the waiting the network might fail and we would need to restart the whole process. I like to think the anticipation heightens the gaming experience.

And afterwards, there'd be much banter about who beat who and who's better than who. All good, healthy fun. (Admittedly, I have been using a lot of l33t speak lately. I'll have to fight the urge to write words like n00b and pwned.)

This is what it's like every time I go online. I escape to a fantasy world of trebuchets and feudal knights and longbowmen.

And who can blame us for liking such a game? The battles are immense and friends who don't have the game often protest about how we obsess over it, how we talk nothing but tactics, how every conversation leads on to Total War.

But they've never tried the game. They don't understand. Seeing us talk about it, they don't want to understand. And a rift is forming that is splitting my friends into two groups.

So to summarise, Medieval is having a detrimental effect my social life. But if it's the price I pay then so be it!

And let's no get started about what effects its having on my education...

You may be wondering why I haven't posted too much on current affairs. Well, it's been a slow news week (nothing of real interest for me to write about). I may do a post on the hybrid embyro scandal... In the mean time, I direct you to one of my earlier posts on the subject.

The CSI Effect

Whilst I was reading my copy of The Times, This headline grabbed me:

'CSI effect' is teaching criminals to cover tracks

This was referring to the recent 'Jack the Ripper' style prostitute killings in Suffolk and how TV series such as CSI were teaching the public all about murder investigations and the ways forensics solves them (The headline was self-explanatory really).

Forensic science professionals, police departments and criminal prosecution lawyers are now complaining that these shows have educated criminals about the best way to cover their tracks.

Now I'm not a big fan of CSI but I have seen a few episodes with Horacio, the red haired git (so is that CSI New York? Miami or what?) and I can't say I agree with what the article is saying. It suggests that CSI has taught many would-be murderers what clues are left behind and how to avoid them.




Horacio and his team have already convinced people that Forensic Sciences are actually exciting. Now he is also responsible for most (if not all) crime in the UK. Is there anything this man isn't capable of?

If the law think that CSI is contributing to the education of criminals in the art of law-dodging then they are sadly mistaken. Have any of them ever watched CSI? Why would any law-breaker wish to induce such torture as to watch through hours of this awful detective series, just to gain some tricks of the trade? It's not even clever like Sherlock Holmes or Poirot style. All they do is collect evidence and grill the suspects until forensics comes back with the answers to everything.

And CSI doesn't teach us anything we don't already know. If I wished to break the law watching CSI wouldn't teach me anything new; Don't leave evidence, have a good alibi, try not to get caught. That's just about everything CSI has to offer and what decent criminal does not know this? The law must badly underestimate criminals if CSI is being blamed.

What I think everyone should be worried about is a show on BBC 3 called "The Real Hustle". It shows viewers the various different tricks hustlers use to con people out of their precious hard-earned money. Not only do people fall for the cons but it shows them as highly lucrative and extremely successful.

The BBC pays these hustlers to con people and film it. Is it me, or does that guy on the left look American?

The show is basically a training program for the more criminally-inclined individuals to learn a few new tricks. I have to admit, even I was tempted to try out some of the cons.

So in conclusion: "CSI" poor, "the Real Hustle" very good.

Not Funny

Instead of writing part 2 of my adventures through our country's national health service (what happened after I was hospitalised? Ooh the suspense!), I thought I'd tell you all about how I became a contributor for Canadian humour site, notfunny.ca.

Canadians? Humour? An oxymoron surely? (I'm sure I've used that joke somewhere. Oh right, here) The site wasn't bad and I was flattered when they didn't snub me in my attempts to leech traffic and offered me the position of contributor.

The site itself is... decent. There's some funny stuff and not-so-funny stuff (which might be because I'm contributing to it).

Some articles seemed to have been taken from Uncyclopedia's waste bin, contrived by teenagers who think stringing nonsense together is funny. It might work for the Americans (who, in my opinion, have the worst comedy ever) but not for us British, we want more from our humour.

Having said that, there is some great stuff on there so I insist you check it out. If the thought of Canadians writing humour freaks you out then keep away ( I could never understand Canadian stereotypes. So are Canadians meant to be polite and boring or something?).

On the subject of comedy, I seem to find little funny. There is hardly anything that will get me laughing out loud (only Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and this dude). Maybe that's why I'm so critical. It's not like I'm incredibly funny so I shouldn't be complaining really.

I was going to announce my new position earlier, but more interesting topics pushed it aside and I just don't have the time to write that much. So anyway, I now contribute some of my material from the blog to their site in exchange for some traffic and gratitude.

A lucrative scheme

After what seems like hundreds of rejections, PayPerPost have finally admitted defeat and accepted me into their amazing lucrative system. Therefore I will start shilling links as soon as possible.

Why have I done this? Am I not selling my soul? Will I be condemned to Blogging Hell for misinforming my readers and posting untruthful comments about the awesomeness of certain products and services? The whole point of this blog was to vent out my hatred for the system and inform the world, how can I do this now if my judgement is clouded with fiscal incentives?

I fear the retribution of my fellow bloggers... What will they think if I shill a link like this: viral marketing ? Will they no longer respect me?

But before you judge me for shamelessly selling out, remember this. I have University to think about.

The measly $10 I get from this post means that:

• I can put off finding a job for about an hour
• It will contribute to 1/10000 of the funds needed for Uni
• I could use it to motivate the blog's co-author, Torquer (or atleast buy a stick to beat him with.)
• my livelihood is supported
• Contributes to my inevitable departure of this "fair" city Liverpool (help me get the hell outta here)

And what do you care anyway? PayPerPost are paying for this blog, something I don't see you doing.

So go to PayPerPost if you wan't to get paid for writing your blog. I love it because it pays me.

Helium and PayPerPost

What are Helium and PayPerPost? What do they have in common with me?

Both claim to be able to pay me to write which is probably the closest I will ever get to becoming a journalist (so am I a freelance journalist now?). This is how it should be really since the thought of a life long career in journalism does not have me jumping for joy, considering how much I love to write.

I guess this is the perfect compromise: Since few people frequent this blog anyway it wouldn't really matter if I sold out and started shilling links. I get motivated and paid while you occasionally get to read something good.

So why do I feel so bad about doing it? Helium is perfectly fine since I'm posting on another website so doesn't affect this one (unless I post something really good and link to it) but it's PayPerPost that's the problem.

PayPerPost works in the way that bloggers are paid to write articles on their blog advertising products/services etc. The problem I have with this is would I be selling out and losing the soul of the blog? For a (relatively) lucrative salary would I be forsaking everything I stand for? Would I no longer be able to command the respect of my fellow bloggers?

But then I thought, who cares? What's the point of having a popular blog if I'm not going to make any money out of it? All great TV channels have ads (except the BBC but then there's TV license, I can't exactly charge all my readers to read this blog. It isn't good enough yet) and I've got University to think about.

So expect some extremely biased posts in the future. A word of warning, I would give any post a miss that has the label "product".

BitTorrent - The Modern Day Robin Hood

Probably the best invention after the Internet. Taker from the rich and giver to the poor, BitTorrent has enriched everyone's life with free entertainment. Mostly poor quality mp3's that cause your speakers to explode and your ipod inplode, or perhaps shaky footage films with shadows of people walking out of the cinema. My personal favourite are the games that are five gigabites and wouldn't occupy anyones interest for more than five minutes.

Let's not forget the risk of a computer riddled with viruses; subscribing you to endless pornographic sites, emailing your billing information to Nigeria and setting fire to your hardware. But like Robin Hood there are risks to what they do.

It's a tough world, peddling illegal goods over cyberspace. It seems strange that total strangers would risk life and limb (with no benefits to themselves other than thousand pound fines) to give ungrateful bastards like us the chance to swindle musicians, actors, game developers out of their livelihood.

You might get the impression I am against theft over the internet such as this. Well you're wrong.

It seems unfair that we should pay for the mediocrity produced by the entertainment industry, most of whom are incredibly rich and famous. Who cares if Bono can't afford another diamond studded guitar if I download "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb"? Or if Madonna can't buy herself another baby if I don't buy one of her shitty songs?

These people don't need your money. Infact, the only people I do feel slight sympathy towards are the game developers (who do not lead superstar lifestyles. If anything I pity their lonely nerdy lives). But the feeling quickly passes.

But many people don't want us to enjoy the wonders of this uncontrollable, illegal, and possibly dangerous system so that money stays with the industry and lines the pockets of the fat cats (and funds a new Armarni suit for Jay-Z).

These people have clearly never enjoyed the wonders of enjoying mediocre stuff without the regret of paying for something so ordinary. Had there been no BitTorrent, I would not be playing Football Manager 2007 right now.

So if you excuse me, I have some files to download.

Such a long time...

It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog. One thing led to another and the truth is I realised I would never achieve my goal of internet-based popularity I so craved for so (like every other internet project I have attempted) I just decided to give up.

And giving up was so easy that I eventually forgot about this blog. So why an unexpected return you may ask?

The story is a short one and inspiration came from the most unexpected of places.

It was a couple of days ago and I was extremely busy (preparing for mock gcses). For some inexplicable reason my msn was on and I noticed the screen name of a friend of mine from a far-away place.

His screen name proclaimed that he had set up a new blog. So I went on his new blog.

I read it and I realised it was good. Really good. Ten times more eloquent than anything I could ever write. You might even say it was inspirationally good. So I bookmarked it.

Then it hit me. Didn't I own a blog? So after a tedious search for username/password etc. from the depths of my mind (and Yahoo inbox) I signed onto Blogger and started writing this very post.

So anyway, the point of this post is, I have decided to ressurect this blog. I'm a year older and wiser and (judging by my past posts) a lot less angry and sarcastic. Maybe this blog will fail again but atleast its worth a try.

Oh yes, and visit Daltervia's blog. It's good stuff.

The Popularity Project

I've realised, what is the point of venting out your hatred if there isn't anyone to hear what you've got to say? Sure, it's a kickass blog but now it is time for me to discover that audience I crave so much.

To achieve the desired result, I can choose any of these three options:

A.) Post as much spam as I possibly can in the hope that someone, in their blind fury, comes onto this blog and deems it worthy to revisit. Possibly using a message along these lines:

I find your blog intriguing. Visit my blog about my humourous attempts at Oxbridge and gain insight into my hate-filled world. This is not spam.

B.) Post this blog on every blog directory site I can find. Living in deperate hope that people actually surf such directories.

C.) Make some sympathetic blogging friends who would take pity and link to a wretched soul like I.

This isn't going to be something that will happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say. I have a long, arduous journey ahead of me and not one of my posts has been to do with Oxbridge. Oh well.

Aesthetically dull

At the moment, the blog isn't exactly artistically captivating (despite my love for the colour green) therefore something needs to be done about.

You'd think that a webmaster with eight years worth of experience would be able to liven up this sorry excuse of a blog.

I could put up a picture of myself but that might draw a couple of paedos (being such a handsome and suave individual something like that is bound to happen) and I don't want my friends to find out I've got a blog. I'd lose all respeckt amongst my hommies fool.

Maybe I should put on some random funny pictures or some phychadelic flashing thingies to hyponotise people into bookmarking this blog (LMAO). If that fails I'll just upload some pornography.

I'll have to sleep on it.