Craven Cottage Prison?

Last weekend's Premiership game between Fulham and Everton was unfortunately marred by the throwing of a 10 pence piece by a member of the crowd at Claus Jensen when he was due to take a corner. Incidentally, the match ended 1:0 in Fulham's favour and they took all three points. After the match, Fulham coach Chris Coleman spoke out against fans who lob stuff onto the pitch, calling them to be immediately identified, fined and sent to prison.

Chris Coleman warns people to stop wasting their money on his cash-strapped club

Similarly, although with no link to the 'beautiful' game, an independent think-tank (blast their hides, always stirring up controversy) complained of the lack of life skills pupils get during their secondary education. They claimed that teenagers left to their own devices when leaving school could be at risk due to not being able to prepare simple food and complete menial household tasks. How hard can it be to open a tin of beans, or, for the more culinarily advanced such as myself, whack up a quick risotto. As for household tasks, there can only be one way to hold a vacuum cleaner, surely? This panel of so-called 'experts' also expressed their heart-felt concerns that children are being left without the necessary communication skills in an increasingly global environment. In my view, the Internet, MSN, mobile phones and email have left us increasingly communicative. Not necessarily a good thing if you like a bit of peace and quiet. This think-tank pushed for the introduction of longer school days with more of an emphasis on skills rather than qualifications. Not exactly what you need when faced with an increasingly ignorant nation.

Alarmingly, they also suggested that any parent or guardian who does not wish their child attend these after school 'lessons' should be fined and imprisoned. With the current jail overcrowding and pressure on the Home Office, this is probably not the best way to alleviate the problems of poor communication and 'bored' teenagers with more ASBOs than years. Alternatively, perhaps John Reid is considering converting Craven Cottage in a new super-prison for vicious coin-throwers and deadly after-school club avoiders? This would solve three problems with one extensively delayed and expensive contracted mess. On the positive side, it would have a capacity of nearly 40,000 and as for the criminals, surely the best exercise yard in the whole of Europe?