Such a long time...

It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog. One thing led to another and the truth is I realised I would never achieve my goal of internet-based popularity I so craved for so (like every other internet project I have attempted) I just decided to give up.

And giving up was so easy that I eventually forgot about this blog. So why an unexpected return you may ask?

The story is a short one and inspiration came from the most unexpected of places.

It was a couple of days ago and I was extremely busy (preparing for mock gcses). For some inexplicable reason my msn was on and I noticed the screen name of a friend of mine from a far-away place.

His screen name proclaimed that he had set up a new blog. So I went on his new blog.

I read it and I realised it was good. Really good. Ten times more eloquent than anything I could ever write. You might even say it was inspirationally good. So I bookmarked it.

Then it hit me. Didn't I own a blog? So after a tedious search for username/password etc. from the depths of my mind (and Yahoo inbox) I signed onto Blogger and started writing this very post.

So anyway, the point of this post is, I have decided to ressurect this blog. I'm a year older and wiser and (judging by my past posts) a lot less angry and sarcastic. Maybe this blog will fail again but atleast its worth a try.

Oh yes, and visit Daltervia's blog. It's good stuff.

Things you might want to know about us...

Having stumbled upon this blog someway or another, curiosity has gotten the better of you and you feel compelled to know a little more about us. After all, who is behind these awesomely funny and totally interesting (or so we like to think) posts? What goes on behind the scenes of this legendary blog?

It is people like you this blog loves, and I implore you to bookmark us. Because we need the love.

Jingoistic's literary team consists of two kickass writers:

Me (Jingoistic) -
Chinese and British with a pessimistic and cynical outlook on life. Constantly angry, hate the north (especially Liverpool) and loaded with sarcasm.

Most posts will be written on a whim and filled with emotion and vulgarity. Despite the title of the blog, I am unpatriotic, like commenting on shallow politics and mocking Britain. Expect quite a few posts concerning China (and a lot of text in brackets).

Having lives in Liverpool for years, life goals are to get the hell out of Liverpool, see Liverpool Football Club win the Treble and pursue a career in Medicine. The rest of my life is exceptionally uninteresting.

Torquer -
A profound writer born in the slums of Manchester. Witty, satirical, debonair; all qualities we make do without. However, his writing style is much more thought-out and methodical than mine (not hard) which makes it perfectly suited to satire. He also takes much pleasure in constantly critisising his grammar.

If you thought my life was boring, his is unbearably worse. Interests include: Rallying support for Macs, organising his stationary meticulously and feeding his cat Hugo.

Since he's an incredibly lazy bastard don't expect more than a post a month. As a guest writer he doesn't really pull his weight around the place which makes me wonder sometimes why I ever pay him (oh wait... I don't).

OUR MISSION
What is the purpose of this blog? Why does this blog read like a poorly written humour magazine? Why do we act like our heads are stuck up our own arses?

All very reasonable questions to ask.

When I started this blog it was created for the purpose of venting my hatred for the injustice we face everyday. Somewhere to rant and rave without drawing odd looks. From there is progressed to the point where we realised we had the potential to make this blog great, which is exactly what we're trying to achieve at the moment.

Sure, this blog may have been created on a whim and an idle fancy but I really do believe I can reach out to a wider audience and entertain the masses. Call it ambitious, a silly notion but it can be achieved.

If we don't we won't lose sleep over it.

So if you feel sympathetic towards our cause or like what you read then bookmark or blogroll us. Help us on the long windy road to success.

RECENTLY
I found a massive flaw in this page; everything is subject to change. It's been a while since I wrote this post and things have certainly changed.

I now write for notfunny.ca, a Canadian humour website (Canadians? Humour? An oxymoron surely?). It's a start and I'm now one step closer to that elusive job as The Times Editor. These things take time.

I started this blog to post about my loser life and things of interest. Unfortunately, things of interest have taken over and I haven't written anything about my life really. I now seem to post mainly on current affairs (with a twist of controversial commentary) which seems to please the masses. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

The Secret to Success at GCSE English

What an English lesson! I didn't even care that I had to watch the shitty 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet with that git Leonardo Di Capprio in it. I didn't even care when I mis-pronounced melancholy so that it sounded like an italian pasta.

The fact is, I got an A*. For my first draft. Only me and Robin managed such a feat. Life is now perfect... for the day anyway.

The Essay was on Frankenstein and is now adorned with pleasing comments down the margins like: "fantastic!" and "very good point". I might keep the crumpled essay as a trophy of accomplishment so that in later life, I can tell everyone how kickass at english I was.

But the thing that irritates me the most is that I completely bullshitted through it. The result completely undermines my opinion of english analysis because I was just taking the piss at times. I don't think there's a chance in hell that Mary Shelley meant half the stuff I wrote about.

As if Victor suffered Post-Natal Depression. As if Teen Pregnancy relates to Frankenstein.

But to be honest, I couldn't care less because I now have an A*. And I've discovered the secret to success at English:

No matter how irrelevant the point, how absurd the opinion, how ridiculous the links. Write it and back it up. This is what we call "original interpretations". Teachers dig that shit and give A*s for that kind of radical thinking.

NHS...It's a Conspiracy!

I was reading 'The Times' last night and was not even mildly shocked when I found out how screwed the National Health Service has become thanks to Blair and his shitty policies. Of course, I knew all along that our free health service was shite when I had to wait a year and a half just to be put on the waiting list for braces and I still haven't had them fitted yet. That just about sums up the NHS blackhole, it's either that or I was subject to institutional racism, the bastards.

How on earth could Labour fuck up so badly as to lose billions every year? Either Labour are filled with incompetants or it's all a fucking conspiracy and the money is going into swiss banks to line the pockets of Mr. Blair.

The only solution is health insurance. We've got no choice but to scrap the stupid notion of giving everyone "free healthcare" and loosen the burden on taxpayers by forcing them to take on health insurance, at least this way they don't have to pay for the healthcare of fat lazy sods who can't be bothered to work. Just look how great it is in America.

This all seems a bit right wing for a socialist like me but this country is so fucked up it needs to be said.

Energy Resources...We're Screwed

I thought physics today would be the same old tired affair, either do nothing for the whole lesson watching old man Ghettle walk in and out of the classroom occassionally or listen to him drone on about resistance or whatever the fuck we're supposed to be learning about. But anyway, todays lesson was different, today we were (and I use this lightly) learning about energy resources.

Big deal, you may say. We learn this kinda crap in Geography all the time. However, unlike our Geography teacher Frost, Gettle uses his "dynamic" youthful charm to really captivate his target audience of bored and hormone-driven teenagers.

I already knew most of the stuff he told us but to have it consolodated like that... wow.

So our worlds resources are running out. In 40 years time we will have used up all our gas and oil. In 200 years time we will have used up all our coal. Basically we're screwed but I knew all this. Apparently someof the most important things in the world are made from oil (clothes, tupperware, ikea furniture etc.) we will be in shitstreet without it.

Which is why there's so much pressure on the Middle East from America. Should all our oil finally deplete then it would trigger a WWIII with the superpowers fighting it out for that precious liquid. America are planning to stockpile it all so the can sit it out should any war spark. Unfortunately for them, there is also China.

China might not seem too great at the moment but its economic growth is increasing by 250% and will overtake Britain and America by 2025. Roughly around the time we start panicking over resources. So when China comes knocking at the doors of America (with its kickass economy and massive population) I doubt they'd take a polite no for an answer.

To cut to the chase there'd be a nuclear winter where there'd be no food or fuel. Soon we'll resort to Soylent Green to survive and people don't want to know what that's made of.

Apparently, Yellowstone Park will also explode around that time (I watched SuperVolcano on ITV so don't question me) and there won't even be an America.

So China inherits the world and survives off soylent green until the nuclear winter dies down. Then they'll start thinking about fuel. Maybe they'll even think of improving China's football team (who couldn't even qualify for the World Cup)

All this isn't certain. What is certain is that I won't get my pension and Labour will screw us over just like it has done a thousand times. It'll start with the 12 year olds forced to vote for Labour then our pension packages will be replaced with the pill. I haven't even taken into account what will happen should cyanide start running low.

To summarise: There's nothing to look forward to in 40 years time.

So yeah, the future's pretty grim.

The Popularity Project

I've realised, what is the point of venting out your hatred if there isn't anyone to hear what you've got to say? Sure, it's a kickass blog but now it is time for me to discover that audience I crave so much.

To achieve the desired result, I can choose any of these three options:

A.) Post as much spam as I possibly can in the hope that someone, in their blind fury, comes onto this blog and deems it worthy to revisit. Possibly using a message along these lines:

I find your blog intriguing. Visit my blog about my humourous attempts at Oxbridge and gain insight into my hate-filled world. This is not spam.

B.) Post this blog on every blog directory site I can find. Living in deperate hope that people actually surf such directories.

C.) Make some sympathetic blogging friends who would take pity and link to a wretched soul like I.

This isn't going to be something that will happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say. I have a long, arduous journey ahead of me and not one of my posts has been to do with Oxbridge. Oh well.

Aesthetically dull

At the moment, the blog isn't exactly artistically captivating (despite my love for the colour green) therefore something needs to be done about.

You'd think that a webmaster with eight years worth of experience would be able to liven up this sorry excuse of a blog.

I could put up a picture of myself but that might draw a couple of paedos (being such a handsome and suave individual something like that is bound to happen) and I don't want my friends to find out I've got a blog. I'd lose all respeckt amongst my hommies fool.

Maybe I should put on some random funny pictures or some phychadelic flashing thingies to hyponotise people into bookmarking this blog (LMAO). If that fails I'll just upload some pornography.

I'll have to sleep on it.

So it begins...

I've realised, writing the first post of a blog is the hardest thing I've ever had to try and do. It is the reason why I have sleepless nights trying to summon every ounce of wit and sarcasm to conjure up a post so mesmerising fantastic that I feel it worthy to continue to write for. First impressions are everything and that is definitely the case with blogs but why must this be so difficult?

Therefore I've come up with a simple solution. Cut the crap and write some shit that vaguely fills the empty space. Every other post can build upon this one.

Now a summary. What is the purpose of this blog? Ideally, it is to "chart the attempts of a China-born British student trying to grasp an alusive place in Oxbridge Medicine" but that's not exactly gonna draw the masses.

so...

I shall also report on current events (mostly in the UK) and then moan about them like the sarcastic, hate-filled little scamp I am.

Now all I need is an appreciative audience... What I'll do now is write some crappy posts and show enough potential for the big boys of the blogging world to link to me. How difficult can that be eh?