A Blank Canvas

Religious Hostile Takeover

2006-12-16T17:04:00.000Z

I know I've been writing a fair few posts about my school (and more importantly, the people in it) but this shocking piece of news came totally out of the blue and the first time I've ever heard of such an example occuring.

I got a letter yesterday that my school is to be converted to Church of England, against the will of all the school governers, and the government is powerless to stop them. All because of a loophole in a 17th century text.

The church claims that the purpose for which the school was established (1708) incorporated the following statement:

Religious instruction shall be given in the school in accordance with the doctrines of the Church of England

Basically, when the school was formed every educational body in the country had to be CoE, but over the years the school turned grammar and no longer followed the religion of the state, instead choosing to select students on academical ability rather than belief.

The funny thing is, they "assume" that line was written, there is no proof anywhere that such a line exists. Unfortunately, the government requires proof that the line wasn't written in order to overrule the CoE takeover. Bearing in mind that the document had to have been drawn up in the 17th century, the school had no idea where the document is.

And once again, the government has failed us by doing nothing. The school will of couse put up a fight but unless they find the precious document the governers will be powerless to prevent a CoE takeover. You hear the government waffling on about the falling standards but they refuse to halt the dissolution of the only school in Liverpool that allows entrance through academic excellence (others ask for massive yearly fees).

You may be wondering why this is such a big deal; the takeover won't affect me. It won't affect anyone in the school for the time being. But will affect the city.

Entrance into the school will greatly change. Everyone part of the CoE will have preference over the academically gifted. So a stupid CoE Christian would be chosen ahead of a intelligent muslim. Since my school is the only Grammar school in the whole of Liverpool (it is the only school that has an entrance exam and no fees) only the academically gifted are allowed through. The CoE's intention is to revamp the entrance system (to benefit the church) or possibly even remove it. Then where would the academically gifted go? There would be nowhere to provide them with a competitive atmospere and grades will suffer because of it.

Plus Religious Studies would be compulsory. Morally I have nothing against this; it just that it's an incredibly boring subject and most people despise it. (I don't really mind it since it's an easy GCSE)

Who knew the Church was capable of such acts of such cunning? Clearly I will need to rethink my views that the church is nothing more than an outdated system; this takeover was well-thought out and meticulously planned. Makes you wonder what really goes on at CoE HQ.

Harmless old monk or ruthless religious businessman?

The CSI Effect

2006-12-19T18:46:00.000Z

Whilst I was reading my copy of The Times, This headline grabbed me:

'CSI effect' is teaching criminals to cover tracks

This was referring to the recent 'Jack the Ripper' style prostitute killings in Suffolk and how TV series such as CSI were teaching the public all about murder investigations and the ways forensics solves them (The headline was self-explanatory really).

Forensic science professionals, police departments and criminal prosecution lawyers are now complaining that these shows have educated criminals about the best way to cover their tracks.

Now I'm not a big fan of CSI but I have seen a few episodes with Horacio, the red haired git (so is that CSI New York? Miami or what?) and I can't say I agree with what the article is saying. It suggests that CSI has taught many would-be murderers what clues are left behind and how to avoid them.

Horacio and his team have already convinced people that Forensic Sciences are actually exciting. Now he is also responsible for most (if not all) crime in the UK. Is there anything this man isn't capable of?

If the law think that CSI is contributing to the education of criminals in the art of law-dodging then they are sadly mistaken. Have any of them ever watched CSI? Why would any law-breaker wish to induce such torture as to watch through hours of this awful detective series, just to gain some tricks of the trade? It's not even clever like Sherlock Holmes or Poirot style. All they do is collect evidence and grill the suspects until forensics comes back with the answers to everything.

And CSI doesn't teach us anything we don't already know. If I wished to break the law watching CSI wouldn't teach me anything new; Don't leave evidence, have a good alibi, try not to get caught. That's just about everything CSI has to offer and what decent criminal does not know this? The law must badly underestimate criminals if CSI is being blamed.

What I think everyone should be worried about is a show on BBC 3 called "The Real Hustle". It shows viewers the various different tricks hustlers use to con people out of their precious hard-earned money. Not only do people fall for the cons but it shows them as highly lucrative and extremely successful.

The BBC pays these hustlers to con people and film it. Is it me, or does that guy on the left look American?

The show is basically a training program for the more criminally-inclined individuals to learn a few new tricks. I have to admit, even I was tempted to try out some of the cons.

So in conclusion: "CSI" poor, "the Real Hustle" very good.

Not Another Harry Potter Book...

2006-12-23T14:18:00.001Z

OMFG!

I've just found out the new Harry Potter book is called "Harry Potter and the Dealthly Hallows"!

This revelation makes me want to inundate the fan forums with lively discussion about the philosophical undercurrent of Harry's world, discuss and map out the entire plot of the 7th book with fellow fans and have heated arguments with 14 year old girls about Harry's sexuality. Perhaps I should stalk JK Rowling until she gives me another titbit of plot.

And to wile away the dull days until the book is published, I'll draw some portraits of what I think the characters should look like and post them on Mugglenet or write a series of homo-erotic fan-fiction featuring the boy wizard.

As you no doubt gather, I'm not a big fan of JK Rowling or her books.

But my relationship with Harry Potter wasn't always like this; I used to be a massive fan. Don't laugh, but when I was around ten (and with a lot of time on my hands) I set up a relatively popular Hogwarts Role-Playing website (I cringe writing this, I'm so ashamed) on Expage.com.

Whilst writing this post, I tried revisiting Expage. It's been six years since I last visited it and it hasn't changed at all since then. Funnily enough, I was introduced to it by a paedophile (I assume it was a paedophile... it seemed a bit unlikely that I should happen to play online chess with someone similar in age who wanted to be my "friend" and send emails to eachother).

But anyway, this isn't about me... This is about Harry Potter.

As I got older, I realised that Harry Potter books were stupid and had no literary value. Not only that but what irritated me the most was how JK Rowling would reveal tiny bits of info about the plot and that would attract world wide coverage... What other author has that kind of publicity?

And she's shamelessly sold out: The crap merchandise, the rubbish games, the films... Don't get me started on the films...

It makes me sick when people say Harry Potter inspires children to read other literature. It's true that people who haven't touched a book in their life will queue up in the early hours of the morning for the books, I have nothing against that. But will reading Harry Potter lead on to classics? Or boring chic books written by Jaqueline Wilson (don't get me started on her...)? You decide.

The worst thing about Harry Potter is the legions of obsessed fan-girls it has spawned. Seriously, don't they have anything better to do than discuss the books and defend their beloved Rowling?

Pottermania doesn't just warp your mind, it makes you short-sighted as well.
I refer you to this article.

I remember visiting Potter forums at the time and despite how wrong her comments were, the fans were slagging off Terry Pratchett, saying how he was a bitter old fart who was just jealous of Rowling's success.

It makes me sick it really does. Painful memories were brought by the latest Potter news and I had to get this rant out of my system. It's really spoiled my Christmas.

Total War

2007-01-10T17:24:00.000Z

I feel compelled to write a post about Medieval 2 Total War.

I own three other computer games: Sim City 4000, The Sims 2, Football Manager 2007 but it is the addition of an online feature which has made Medieval such a rivetting game and it has me hooked.

Me and my friends bought the game a while back and started playing battles online. Before I knew it I was caught up in the excitement, formed a clan and became a hardcore gamer. Instead of organising dates to go to the cinema we now organise when to go online... how sad have we become?

The process of online battling involves a lot of waiting. First we would wait until all the "clan" (we set up a clan to gain respect amongst the other gamers) were online, then we would wait for a person to host a battle. We then wait until everyone joins the battle. And then we wait for opponents. We then choose our armies and wait for everyone to finish. Once we are all ready the battle loads and we wait. Only then do we begin the battle, knowing that our prides are at stake.

At any point in the waiting the network might fail and we would need to restart the whole process. I like to think the anticipation heightens the gaming experience.

And afterwards, there'd be much banter about who beat who and who's better than who. All good, healthy fun. (Admittedly, I have been using a lot of l33t speak lately. I'll have to fight the urge to write words like n00b and pwned.)

This is what it's like every time I go online. I escape to a fantasy world of trebuchets and feudal knights and longbowmen.

And who can blame us for liking such a game? The battles are immense and friends who don't have the game often protest about how we obsess over it, how we talk nothing but tactics, how every conversation leads on to Total War.

But they've never tried the game. They don't understand. Seeing us talk about it, they don't want to understand. And a rift is forming that is splitting my friends into two groups.

So to summarise, Medieval is having a detrimental effect my social life. But if it's the price I pay then so be it!

And let's no get started about what effects its having on my education...

You may be wondering why I haven't posted too much on current affairs. Well, it's been a slow news week (nothing of real interest for me to write about). I may do a post on the hybrid embyro scandal... In the mean time, I direct you to one of my earlier posts on the subject.

Beckham To Pursue American Dream

2007-01-14T20:03:00.000Z

Normally when I get home, I like to relax and watch a little SkySports News. Imagine my shock when the top story was David Beckham's move to LA Galaxy, in America. On hearing this shocking revelation I rushed up stairs, switched on my laptop and read up on the story on BBC News.

If you're American and not quite sure of who this David Beckham fella is, think soccer superstar. Think Real Madrid. Think former England captain. And if you still don't know who he is, think husband of Posh Spice and "Bend It Like Beckham".

Beckham had a choice between staying at arguably the most famous club in the world (Real Madrid) and living life as an overrated, over-paid and over-indulged Galatico (also known as "world-beater"); moving to Europe and proving to his critics that he's still got it, whilst trying to reclaim his place in the England squad (who quite frankly miss him); or do the unthinkable and move to America where he'll play mediocre football on a ridiculous wage packet in a league no one respects.

Beckham loves money. He'll endorse anything.

And yet, he chose America over the respect of his peers and the footballing world. He has chosen to throw his career away and become an A-list Hollywood Celebrity rather than a footballer. Admittedly, he is getting £127 million out of the move (which would motivate anyone really) but Major League Soccer? I can really see him forcing his way back into the England set-up there.

But he's made it clear he's not motivated by money. Sure he'll be earning $80 dollars a second, but it's difficult mingling with beautiful celebrities and lounging in the Los Angeles Sun. When you put it like that, you can really feel sympathy for the guy.

Being rich isn't easy. Look at all the money he has to count

I really can't see the Americans buying into this. I doubt his arrival will trigger a mass interest in football, a revitalisation of Major League Soccer or cause an influx of top quality players to arrive in America. I doubt the Americans are fickle enough to throw down their baseball bats and hockey sticks just because Beckham's in town.

Still, if it makes "soccer" more mainstream then I suppose it's worth it.

Litter Picking - Part 2

2007-02-04T11:04:00.000Z

Another month, another session of litter picking. If you need reminding as to why I go to Prince's Park on a Saturday morning, deprived of sleep and bereft of joy, this is the reason:

I care about the environment, and I care about the local community. Sure there are scumbags who live round here that are incapable of disposing their disease-ridden syringes and empty cans of beer, but someone's go to clean their mess and I care about them enough to waste my Saturday morning doing it. God will smile at my acts of charity, and hopefully award me bonus points for the afterlife. When parents see me striding purposefully through the mud and rain, picking litter, they'll point to me and say to their young children: "There's a hero, a role model, a saint." Oh yes, it's just one small step on the road to Sainthood.

For the real reason, click here to read the first instalment of litter picking.

So to start off me and Torquer were dropped off at the entrance to Princes Park where we were joined by Rob to complete our trio.

Last time we had simply been handed our equipment and forced into the harsh terrain to fend for ourselves (and collect litter). This time however, we followed a procession of middle-aged people who also claimed to be "friends of the park" but while we had the simple task of picking litter, they had the difficult and infinitely more challenging task of observing architecture.

As we were given our litter-pickers (the poles with the grabbing thing at the end) and big black plastic bag, the organiser shamed us all by announcing to all the "friends of the park" the services we had done and how awesome we were. They all smiled and clapped (one woman even filmed us), we smiled and felt embarrassed.

During our expedition, we discovered two syringes and a beer can with beer that had congealed disgustingly. There was even a tree that had roots which had grown around a piece of pipe; we spent a good ten minutes trying to remove it until we realised that the tree and the pipe had become one.

And only last week, someone had actually died in the park (probably drank too much congealed beer). For all we knew we could have been tampering with key evidence, stuffing it into our big plastic bags never to see the light of day. They only told us this after we had finished.

After being overwhelmed by the fragile beauty of it all, I decided to take this picture (Notice how litter free it is). Had I known there could have been a mass murderer on the loose I would have thought twice.

But there was a dark side to what we were doing, a dark side not shown by the photographic evidence we took. Every act of charity was done to look good in front of the camera; once the cameras were no longer pointing we went back to our selfish, careless ways.

We took a picture of Torquer putting up a bird feeder that had fallen to the ground, but as soon as it had been taken he slung it back in the mud looking for the next photo opportunity. And on one occasion I snapped a young sapling for no apparent reason (after taking a pic of us righting a fallen tree), and trod all over some sprouting daffodils (Torquer dived to protect them).

We were trying to take a picture of me in the process of stepping on the shoots, but Rob preventing me (which would have shown how conscientious were were of the environment). However I inadvertently trod all over them once the picture had been taken.

It was all a sham! The pictures didn't tell the truth of it all! (I would post some of them, but that would compromise my anonymity)

Once we finished, we strode through the fog back to Rob's house (Did I mention it was so foggy I couldn't see my own hands? It was also damn cold as well and Torquer refused to give me his spare gloves. His SPARE gloves! Something about me infecting them...). Had anyone been filming us, it would have looked very impressive; the three of us, striding across the lawn, appearing through the mist and fog, imaginary atmospheric background music playing in the background...

It was at Rob's house that we were re-vitalised with a hot mug of tea and listened to the Liverpool vs Everton match. Later on, I took Torquer to Tesco to enquiry about job opportunities (They took one look at Torquer and said No).

Another month, another litter picking session. I look forward to the next; The time will just fly by.

(Now go over to Torquer's blog and read his account of the events. DO IT!)

Physics Challenge!

2007-02-07T17:01:00.000Z

Lately my interest in physics has sparked (no pun intended), and as if on cue the school announced that they would be entering the top physicists, the creme-de-la-creme of Year 11 in the highly esteemed, much sought-after, CV-boosting, nationwide physics competition that is The Physics Challenge.

The Physics Challenge consists of just a 1 hour test paper; nothing more, nothing less. Anyone who scores above 20/50 gets a commendation, but those that score above 35/50 get their papers sent to a mysterious place in Oxford where they are evaluated and given either bronze, silver or gold award. Last year only one person (out of many) managed a bronze, which proves why it's called "challenge".

No doubt those that get Gold are the uber-geek Jedi Masters with IQs past 200 who will later be head-hunted for the International Physics Olympiad. This is no piss-easy, I-Could-Sleep-Through-This-And-Still-Get-An-A* GCSE, Hell no. This is the real deal.

If you still can't grasp the difficulty of the paper, then think University Challenge but with Physics for every round.

Now the school only offered this fantastic opportunity to those who had scored 70% (an A) in the mock, but this basically meant that everyone (even the complete morons) who take physics could enter if they wish.

Of course some won't even consider entering (we are talking about students from Liverpool after all), but I think my year group stands a chance of doing extremely well (relatively that is, compared to the other Y11s of years past). This is because this is the first Year 11 group that is not single sex and it's common knowledge that female students are vastly superior academically compared to their male counter-parts (there's no denying it, boys are lazy).

But anyway, I tried doing a past paper last night and it was, to put it mildly, impossible. I'm one of more intelligent (and modest) people in my school and I had no clue, no fucking clue. I do Further Maths which is pretty damn hard but at least I understand what needs to be done, for this I had no idea.

Even with their combined efforts, I doubt they could score more than 40/50. If you know who all three are I'd be impressed (I've got no idea why I included the one on the right, shows how few famous physicists I know).

This is something I want to do extremely well in considering how CV-driven I am. Makes me glad my dad teaches mechanical engineering.

There's also added incentive to do well on this test: my arrogant friends. Nick and Rob did extremely well in their Chemistry mocks and think they can lord it over the rest of us and developing ideas above their station. There's been a lot of banter as to who will do well in the sciences for GCSE and they've already written off my chances (my chances? wtf?). This will provide the perfect opportunity for me to burst their over-inflated egos on a higher plateau of thinking.

But, I'm now beginning to feel the pressure (again, no pun intended). I'm becoming overwhelmed by my increasing workload and it's become quite an act juggling the revision time for 9 GCSEs, 1 Further Maths and now this. By the end of it all I'll be so stressed out those that are stressed out will seem laid back compared to me. But still, if I succeed it'll blow litter-picking out of the water in terms of CV-ability.

I better get gold.

A Beautiful Day To Pick Litter...

2007-03-04T19:39:00.000Z

It's March? That could only mean another session of my favourite activity, picking litter at Prince's Park! Hurrah, it means I get another chance to spend my precious time trudging through mud, navigating through parklands that seem to have been bombed by litter when I could be sleeping in and recuperating. And did I mention I get to spend time with this charming fellow? Oh joy.

The things I will do to bolster my CV...

I've already told you enough anecdotes involving Torquer and I so I shan't bother this time. The truth is nothing embarrassing or amusing happened on our third litter-picking session.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the dogs were yapping... Instead of just picking litter, I decided to piss around taking photos while Torquer and Rob struggled with their big binbags (100% un-photoshopped!) :

This tree was probably struck by lightning.

I found this amusing. You might not.

Amongst the disgusting debris, there was beauty... I'm surprised swans can live in such squalor

Back at Rob's, I head straight over to his pond when he informed me of the frog orgy that takes place around this time of month. With these pics, I could become a frog pornographer...

So there's a selection of photos I took whilst litter-picking. There were lots more but unfortunately Torquer featured in them, the disgusting git.

Horror Films and The Truth About Torquer

2007-04-07T20:40:00.000+01:00

Have I become really desensitised, or have horror films become really un-scary of late? I went to town last Saturday with a few friends in the hope of buying some new clothes but ended up loitering until six, then being forced to watch "The Messengers" at the shitty Odeon (which cost me £8.30 in total - almost the same price I paid for the two sexy T-shirts I bought that day).

After watching "The Messengers", I have decided: a.) to never go to the rip-off Odeon ever again b.) never watch a rated 15 horror film ever again. I sat through the film bored out of my mind, trying to scare my mates by proving commentary (which didn't go down too well).

Horror films have no creativity these days - they all seem to follow the same rules. For example, the little pale blue ghost boy that looks like it's been rotting in a stagnated lake for months. I remember seeing the same thing in the Grudge (except the one in the Grudge was less CGI'd) so I got a distinct feeling of deja vu (both were about families moving into derelict houses, only to be freaked out by the ghost kid who happens to haunt the place) when watching this. The idea of the creepy little kid has been so over-used it's about as scary as Casper.

The resemblance is uncanny
And the boring shock tactics - I see no point in something jumping at me unless it's really unexpected. They build it up with slow movement and dramatic music but when it comes to the actual shock part it's just so anti-climatic. Perhaps I'm just nit-picking but horror films have become so samey and boring.

So if I ever watch a horror film ever again, it'll be an 18. None of that namby-pamby 15 rated stuff for me.

Afterwards, I was a little concerned about Torquer who had been impassive throughout the film - he hadn't moved a muscle and looked like he had been in a coma.

Only then did it dawn on me - Torquer's house was haunted.

It made so much sense: his exploding television, his mum hurling herself off a flight of stairs in the night, his shelves flying off his wall (I'm not making this up, Torquer told me himself)... Hilarious calamities that are completely unconnected? Or something more sinister?

And I've just remembered - his family bought the house cheap after the previous residents died in "mysterious circumstances". I wouldn't be surprised if his walls dripped with blood in the night and ghouls flied out of his cellar (I assume he has a cellar. It's probably boarded up to hide the hidden Indian burial ground the house was built on).

No wonder Torquer is so weird and charges people for pencils. The paranormal activities in his house must have addled his brain, causing him to persue such unusual past times such as lemon-growing, Formula 1 watching and Ikea assembling.

As soon as he comes back from Nottingham, I'll quiz him on this.

In other news, I met Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill whilst shopping in the Met Quarter! But I'll save that for another post.

300

2007-04-28T15:01:00.000+01:00

I can't believe how poor this film is.

You don't need to have read Sun Tzu's "The Art of War", Machiavelli's "Dell'arte della guerra" or even played on Rome Total War to realise that the warefare in 300 had no tactics whatsoever. This is totally unsatisfactory, considering this is an adaptation of the Battle of Thermopylaie, when vastly out-numbered Spartan hopilites out-manouvred the Persians in one of the most famous last stands in history.

I'm no film connosseur, and I don't watch innovative indie art films. I was prepared to overlook the pathetic dialogue and boring plot as long as it redeemed itself with the "Lord of the Rings"/"Kingdom of Heaven" style epic battles scenes I had expected when I watched the trailer.

Instead it was just close-up filming of Leonidas and (at most) ten other Spartans slashing at ethnic minorities, and making "hwargh" sounds whenever they reach a milestone of kills (that's the level of dialogue you should expect when watching this film).

This gets repetitive after awhile

And I know that a great deal has been made about how the film misrepresents the Persians in history, and how it's propaganda for the war in Iraq. At the time, I thought: "That's a load of bollocks". But having watched the film, I have to admit, they have a point.

I saw nothing wrong with King Leonidas hacking at waves of Iraqi insurgent look-a-likes, but Xerxe's special guard (The Immortals) were taking the piss a bit.

Wait until you see what's underneath those masks

They looked like Taliban wearing mongol masks carrying samurai swords. I mean that's pretty far-fetched to begin with, but when they took off their masks, they looked like extras from Resident Evil (You see them in the trailer, but not their zombie faces). Although they look like your Asian stereotype of super-warriors, underneath it all they are bloodthirsty zombies. I can see how associating Asians with pure evil can be a tad insulting.

Not as exciting as it looks

And let's not forget the monsters, and African animals (it was a joke how little they featured, and how unexciting they were). And Xerxes himself who's a 7-foot freaky homosexual with a very camp voice synthesised so that it's deep.

I can't see how anyone could be so shallow as to like this film (unless you enjoy looking at chiselled abs. In which case, this film must have been incredibly enjoyable).

New Blog

2007-06-17T19:24:00.001+01:00

This blog is dead. Go to the new one...

http://logic-gate.blogspot.com

2007-05-24T14:57:00.000+01:00

I know I said I wouldn't post anymore until after the exams, but the temptation really was too great and there have been certain developments since the last post.

The good news is that my body overcame the flu virus and I was in top-notch shape for my English literature and ICT exam. Both went fine (although I wrote twice as much as everyone else for the English paper, which is worrying me slightly...). For all those that commented, thanks for the good advice.

Torquer got us tickets to see Russell Howard and possible Rob Rouse (if he can be bothered to buy them) for £5 each.

I've also got a ten day break before my next exam (geography).

The bad news is that Liverpool lost the champions league final to AC Milan and I'm absolutely gutted. There'll be no parade around Liverpool this time around (which is a shame since the last one started right next to my house).

Hopefully, because Liverpool lost, I'll do well on my GCSEs. Karma works like that right?

Now I'm officially going on hiatus and I won't come back until after my exam are over (in three weeks), and this time I mean it. Honest. When I return there'll be some major changes to this blog.

Just My Luck...

2007-05-21T17:42:00.000+01:00

I swear I must be allergic to examinations.

Last year, I was struck down by chicken pox during my french mocks (thank god it wasn't the real thing. I would have been really screwed if it was). I complained about flu-like symptons on the day (which my friends mocked, calling me a pansy and other far worse derogatory terms), and woke up the next day with itchy red scabs all over my body.

My Dad, being the sensitive guy he is, told me to "stop making excuses to get off school" and to "take it like a man". I ended up bed-ridden for two weeks with chamomile lotion encrusted over my skin.

This year, during my mocks, I had spontaneous neumothorax. It's spontaneous because it randomly occurs (just my luck I know...) and it was bloody painful as well, so I was stuck in a dreary hospital for three days until the pain subsided.

And now, during the REAL GCSEs, I have been battling some sort of cold/flu virus that has infected me at the worst time ever. Two important exams tomorrow and I feel sick and my head is splitting.

My body is usually a fortress, so why must my immune system fail whenever I'm about to sit an exam? I can just imagine the conversation between my white blood cells: "Jingo's about to take an exam... T-CELLS, STAND DOWN. I REPEAT: T-CELLS STAND DOWN. LET ALL PATHOGENS THROUGH. I REPEAT: LET ALL PATHOGENS THROUGH... Let's see him take his exam now!" Or something along those lines...

I think God is conspiring against me.

Anyway, I've decided to put this blog on hiatus, mainly because I need to be focused for my exams and this is unfortunately a distraction. Also, the blog has degenerated somewhat since I'm lacking the will to write (something to do with impeding doom of exams).

Once my exams are over, I'll have time to properly improve this blog.

I'll be back in three weeks.

A Revision Update

2007-05-15T23:18:00.000+01:00

Forgive me for the lack of detail in my last post about citizenship - Had I the time and concentration, I would have properly ranted about this blended and diluted politics/history/media studies joke of a subject that citizenship is.

However, my time and concentration is somewhat divided at the moment since my GCSEs kick off in a few days time. A lot rides on the fact I do well - a cushy future, not feeling like shit during the holidays and a Nintendo Wii (maybe...) are all up for grabs.

In the next two weeks, I will be sitting my Citizenship, English Literature and ICT exams (in that order). Therefore, you may not hear from me any time soon. Citizenship and ICT are not a problem (I've already mentioned how easy the Cit. exam is, and I'm going into the ICT exam with a B grade - so shouldn't be too difficult), it's the English Lit. exam I'm worried about.

English Lit. is the toughest of the two English subjects (much harder than English language). It requires you to have memorised about 20 different poems, the entire "Of Mice and Men" novel, and is the most analytically challenging of the two. To put it bluntly, I am shitting one.

In a desperate attempt to intellectualise myself, I have decided to listen only to Classic FM (and the occasional Radio 4 comedy). I've also started praying - Not to any God in particular, I do it just to make myself feel better.

Hopefully I'll come out of this victorious. My next update will probably be during the half-term, when I've finished my first three exams.

In other news, I can't believe that weird looking girl won the Eurovision for Serbia. I really wanted that Dr. Evil look-a-like for France to win, or those drum-beating Hungarians (they had attitude!). Ireland, in true Father Ted fashion, came last which was pretty funny. I'm just glad England didn't end up with nil points.

And I watched "Scientology and Me" as well. How can anyone buy into that crap? It's not even a religion! I don't see why celebrities are so attracted to it, it doesn't seem to have any benefits whatsoever. You don't see people paying a hundred grand to read the next chapter of the Bible.

And finally, I'm looking forward to the Champions League Final. I can't wait until Liverpool kick AC Milan's arse, just like before!

That's it. I can't wait until these GCSEs are over.

Add. Maths

2007-04-25T23:03:00.000+01:00

My brain felt like it had just endured several bottles of German schnapps. My neck hurt, my back hurt, my wrist hurt, my eyes could no longer focus properly. I felt like collapsing on the cold concrete and wait for the numbness in my mind to subside, or at least until I got my vision back.

As I walked home, I kept asking myself: "What the fuck happened?"

Having been left to squint at a ridiculously hard test paper in a darkened room for over two hours, I can be fairly certain it was maths. I mean, there were numbers and x's and y's and stuff, but it asked me crazy questions about binomial expansion and kinematics and crap I can't even begin to contemplate.

To say I was overwhelmed would be a bit of an understatement - Binomial expansion seems to need about a tree's worth of paper just to fit it all in and kinematics... I didn't even know such a term existed until last week.

What happened to the Jingo of old who beat 120 people in his year in the KS3 Maths SATs and basically owned everyone in the subject? Ah, those were the days when I was sharp as a knife and algebra would solve itself right in front of my eyes...

But now-a-days, I'm so confused I don't even know whether to differentiate or to integrate anymore. People walk past me, watching me slave over an equation, probably thinking to themselves: "That poor bastard, if only he knew you have to differentiate to find the gradient..."

So it's a fall from grace. I put it down to naivety, lack of revision and overconfidence (being a cocky bastard).

I have made a vow to myself that I'll revise 3 hours every night. Honest. This time I'll actually stick to it instead of procrastinating in front of the computer.

Actually, I haven't even got my results back so we'll wait and see.

Le Francais

2007-05-07T23:11:00.000+01:00

Remember when I said I'd do a post for every subject I will be sitting this year? To start, I thought I'd do a post about French, a subject I did a year early and miraculously got an A* for.

Next week some of my friends will go for their french orals - They'll experience the same dread, the same fear, the same pain I went through. And I won't be sympathetic - I'll laugh, and make inappropriate jokes, and I'll fill them with horror stories (I'm not fucking with you! They made me translate french passages of Jules Verne into english I swear!). I'll do exactly what they did to me a year ago. Oh how revenge is sweet.

There was a time when I was afraid French. I was afraid it's subtle accents and gendered nouns, afraid to read out passages of TriColore, afraid of the embarrassment generated from calling a friend copine instead of amie (or vice-versa, which one meant girlfriend again?). But what I feared most of all were the French Orals.

You probably find it amusing that a language can have such an effect on me, and you're probably thinking up jokes involving the French and orals as we speak. But laugh all you want, the mere thought of French reminds me of that day. The day of my dreaded GCSE French Speaking.

Instead of doing some frantic last minute preparation, I came into school and just sat in a corner pondering. Why oh why did I have to take French? Sure, the language sounds damn sexy but was it worth three precious years of my life to learn?

I could of learnt Spanish (a lot easier) or Latin (a whole lot more useful) but instead I chose this! A language spoken by a bunch of baguette wielding anglo-hating beret-wearers who wouldn't even give me directions to the Louvre! (I had to learn the hard way - being stranded in a Parisian street filled with hobos). And what made me choose to take this a year early? I'm too young and stupid! I'm not ready yet to face the cruel rigours of examination, I want to frolic in the Sun without a care in the world!

I waited in the corridor for what seemed like an eternity, with those doubts racing through my mind - I entered the room, I did my oral, and I can out a changed man.

Whenever I recall those moments in that room, I sound like a Vietnam veteran: "you weren't there man! The silence, the flickering lights, that disconcerting smile... Oh God! In those split seconds your mind goes blank, and you can feel the pressure build and you're sweating like a pig... Never again! Never again... *incoherent mumbling*..." I would gladly face the might of Xerxe's Persian army rather than go through that ordeal again.

But I got A* so I can't have been that bad.

Citizenship

2007-05-11T17:47:00.000+01:00

What does it take to be a good citizen? An A* in GCSE Citizenship that's what.

Last year, I was offered the chance to take this extra subject, which would increase my GCSE tally to 11 and give me a chance to add another shiny A* to my currently small collection (it'll be bolstered in a months time I hope).

Having "studied" (I use the term very loosely) the subject for a year, it's hard to take it seriously. The course mainly deals with human rights, diluted politics and current affairs; topics that can be learnt from simply watching the news. As long as I can still recognise Tony Blair, the exams shouldn't pose a problem.

Here is a sample question from one of the citizenship past papers:

You have found a caterpillar in a sandwich you have bought. Who do you complain to?

A. The government
B. The police
C. The supermarket

Apart from being ridiculously simple, citizenship is only a half course so if I should achieve an A* grade, it would only count for a C grade's worth of UCAS points (these precious points are needed to qualify for further education). So basically, citizenship is micky mouse.

And I've done fuck all in lessons. The teacher has been on leave since having a mental breakdown so I've just been sleeping and playing cards every lesson.

Oh well. It's only citizenship. My exam is a week today.

It Seems I Have Been Tagged...

2007-02-13T18:10:00.000Z

It was bound to happen sooner of later. I have been officially "tagged" by Gaz and I'm now under some kind of obligation to provide everyone with a list of "five things you did not know about me". I'm actually surprised I didn't get tagged by someone sooner, but I guess it's something to do with the company I keep. I tend to stay away from blogs that have "Half-Naked Thurdays" or "Picture Wednesdays" or whatever other memes bloggers must use when they lack creativity to come up with original posts and must resort to posting pictures of their own naked flesh.

(Having said that, some memes are very interesting.)

And why on earth am I doing this? Instead of writing this meme, I should be writing a literary essay comparing four different poems as practise for my GCSE english. Damn you Duffy! Damn you Armatage! Children all over the country are suffering thanks to those two; It borders on impossible trying to make sense what Simon Armitage is waffling on about in his poem "Homecoming" (which I'm currently analysing). I mean I don't mind reading poetry, but if you're gonna ask me to annotate it, then write a massive essay on it...

OK, so things you did not know about me:

My life is terribly mundane. I get up late, I revise, I go back to bed. There's nothing of interest happening in my life at this moment in time other than exam related anxieties. Take what I'm doing right now: I'm reading up on Differentiation and Integration. And later, I intend to phone Torquer. Both very boring activities. I really can't stress enough how boring my life is.
I'm a real stingy bastard. The mere thought of spending money makes me cry, which is strange considering I have no fiscal reponsibilities whatsoever. At my age, I should be screaming for more X-Boxes, Bratz dolls, Gucci underwear and generally being a spoilt brat. I'm currently in need of a new pair of slippers but I'd rather my feet go cold than spend £2.50.
I cross-dressed in America. Now before you start jumping to conclusions that I'm some kind of deranged, sexually-confused, transvestite, hear me out! I blame those perverted Americans! Now that I think about it, is there even such a thing as Transvestites Day? And it was only a skirt! (I can now understand why girls wear them, I was overcome with an urge to twirl...) I simply grabbed a skirt (borrowed it) and put it over my perfectly normal, sports casual, male clothing! I won't go into further detail, it was too traumatising... (I really shouldn't have told my friends about it)
I support Liverpool Football Club. But I haven't been to a game since Michael Owen, Emile Heskey, Milan Baros and Diouf made up the strike force, and that was with Torquer about 4 years ago. I just can't bring myself to buy a ticket...
I'm a Mac lover, but have yet to own a Mac. I despise Windows with their crappy Vista upgrade (that's blatantly ripped off the Mac OSX, and downgrades media files, and has like 5 new features that aren't even new...). As soon as I've mustered up the £1.5 grand I'm off to buy a Macbook Pro.

That's it. I tag:

Miao
Gneake
and Mutley (I'd be interested to see what he writes)
and anyone else who wants to do it.

Getting Better?

2007-05-02T23:16:00.000+01:00

I knew I wasn't on blistering form in terms of maths results, but I must have been on crack or somethin' when I took that test. I won't post the results since I don't want you all to think of me as some kind of mathematically-challenged, numerically-braindead cretin, so let's just use the euphemism "could have done better".

I feel bitter - like a former beauty queen who's grown too old. I can't quite come to terms with the fact that I'm no longer number one and I'm ever hopeful of clawing my way back to where I truly belong, and that's at the top.

These are dark days indeed. The Gods of calculus are fickle beings - As soon as you start believing you are Blaise Pascal and can solve every Millennium Prize problem, they taketh away and you are left with nothing more than an empty feeling and a half factorised quadratic equation. I wish the Gods would restore me to my former glory, especially since my actual additional maths exam is in a few weeks time.

But it's not all doom and gloom. Things are getting better.

My English abilities have improved tenfold - I know the blog doesn't quite show this, but my English results beg to differ. I think it's because I now know "Of Mice and Men" off by heart, and my poetry analysing skills have vastly improved. The only thing holding me back now is my essay structures (which can be easily remedied).

I suppose I should be glad, since it's not hard to improve maths (it's all about practise and memorising equations) but how on earth does a person go about improving their English? The only way is to read a lot of books, or have the natural ability. Both can't be done the night before, which makes me feel somewhat better after screwing up the maths exam.

So whilst Maths ability has fallen, English ability has risen. Since English counts for 2 GCSEs, and Maths is some kind of post- GCSE, pre- A-level qualification thingy, perhaps this is for the best. Nevertheless, I will be working night and day to improve those maths results.

As I come nearer and nearer to the GCSE exams, I'll probably do a post on every subject I'll be sitting for. There's two weeks to go before things kick off with my Citizenship exam (just to ease into things).

Stick around. Things are soon to get exciting.

Let The Music Do The Talking

2007-04-21T18:32:00.000+01:00

Since I no longer have to worry about coursework, and have badly over-estimated the amount of time I'll revising, I have freed up quite a bit of time.

So I thought I might as well do this music tag of my top 10 songs. I tend to "acquire" hundreds of albums, and I've got about twenty gigabytes of music, so choosing just ten to list here proved quite tough.

My taste also changes every few weeks, so I can never stick to one band or one song. Since the collection is so massive, I occasionally discover hidden gems in my own collection, or I re-listen to old albums and realise the songs have grown on me. Sometimes I just get albums for the sake of getting albums, and only listen to them months later, Or even not at all.

So anyway, here's the list:

1. Ignoreland - R.E.M
One of my favourite bands. A friend gave me "Automatic For The People" and every song on it is pure class.

2. Cosmic Girl - Jamiroquai
This was the first song I heard by Jamiroquai, and it's clearly his best (although his best album is Dynamite). I then became a massive fan of his, even his earlier acid jazz stuff, which has grown on me lately.

3. Reason is Treason - Kasabian
When I first got the album off Torquer, I hated it. I didn't even listen to it. I gave it a chance months later and found their electronic rock quite psychedelic - it was like listening to music on drugs. Definitely not your conventional boy band.

4. Love In An Elevator - Aerosmith
Another one of those bands I loved when I was younger (I've moved on from them since then). They are one of the few glam rock bands I actually like.

5. You Got The Style - Athlete
Britpop at its finest. Will I ever get tired of Athlete? Although not a big band, these guys are fantastic.

6. Manchester - The Beautiful South
That's right, I like old music as well. I doubt anyone outside the UK will have heard of them, but their witty lyrics and mellow tunes are brilliant.

7. Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows
An American indie band (I think). I was bored at a party watching a music channel when this song popped up. Based on that one song, I got their Films About Ghosts (their greatest hits).

8. 19-2000 (Soulchild remix) - Gorillaz
This is the best remix I've ever heard - All remixes should sound like this. I also recommend Gorillaz - Their electronic tunes are perfect for parties.

9. Living For The Weekend - Hard-Fi
I discovered them whilst in London, and I saw a big poster advertising their "Stars of CCTV". Very catchy tunes.

10. Rooftops (A Liberation Broadcast) - Lostprophets
Don't let their emo look fool you, they are an excellent metal band. Rooftops in particular is very inspiration and I can imagine it being played in the stadiums.

This list will probably change in a couple of weeks time. To finish off, I'll list the albums I acquired this month:

Cassadega - Bright Eyes
Dreams: Ultimate Collection - The Corrs (ah the nostalgia...)
Yes, Virginia - The Dresden Dolls
The Remote Part - Idlewild
Get Born - JET

If I carry on at this rate, I'll have no space on my computer anymore.

I tag anyone who can be bothered.

No More Coursework

2007-04-19T19:46:00.000+01:00

Oh the relief...

Over the Easter Holidays, I have been fretting for many an hour about the marks of my coursework. If I do well then I've got a head start for my GCSEs, and it'll boost my chances of a high grade. Do poorly and I'll have condemned myself to shit grades before I've even sat the test.

I'm not sure if they have a similar system in other countries, but the UK assesses their students with GCSEs at the end of Key Stage 4 (I'll be sixteen when I sit my exams, so just think the equivalent). Part of the assessment is coursework, which contributes to a percentage of the grade (the percentage depends on the subject. At the moment I'm not even sure the exact percentages for each subject).

Coursework was the governments idea of getting students to think in a different way and experience what "real life" is all about - Normally the coursework involves some kind of large project that then needs to be documented like a kind of extremely diluted thesis or somethin'. It's stupid because marks are determined by the amount of effort the school/teacher is willing to put in, and how willing they are to "bend the rules". It's also incredibly easy to plagiarise since there's a million resources on the Internet.

That's why the government has decided to scrap it. My year will be the last to ever do it.

So anyway, I'm really rubbish at coursework for some strange reason. Something to do with my lack of ability to write reams and reams of waffle. I have spent hours and hours re-writing and correcting coursework, only to have it handed back to me with even more agitated scribbles and red pen. To have finally put coursework behind me is like a weight off my shoulders.

But there's still the actual GCSE exams to think about, so it'll be a stressful two months ahead...

I probably won't be able to blog as much, so don't cry for me if I'm not as active online as the date approaches (apologies in advance if I don't comment on your blogs).

In other news, I had my mock interview today. I'll probably do a post on that later. I also realise I've been tagged twice and haven't gotten round to doing them - I apologise. I've been incredibly busy.

Last thing to add - Go to Torquer's blog. Find out about the guy I constantly slag off.

High Street

2007-04-13T12:00:00.000+01:00

After scrutinising the contents of my rather sparse wardrobe, it dawned on me that I was a growing boy and couldn't keep wearing clothes I've owned for over five years. It's not that I don't care about my image, I actually care about it a great deal - It's just I'm such an incredibly lazy and busy person that I can't spare the time to go to town and do a little shopping.

If I were to burn all the clothes I deem to be uncool, and ignored all my cold weather clothing, I would be left with practically nothing to wear. Therefore I made some hasty phone calls to get some of my mates into town to accompany me whilst I get kitted up for the Summer.

I was glad I brought Torquer with me, who despite dragging me into a "Tesco Metro" to buy one tube of toothpaste (to earn club card points and use up club card vouchers) and a "Boots" to buy some Dead Sea facial scrub, seems to possess unrivalled knowledge of every clothing retailer in Liverpool.

I don't normally shop in any of the fashionable outlets (or shop at all) so it was slightly intimidating when we entered shops like "Topman", "Burton" and "GAP" where the doors are flanked by emos clad in black with various bits of metal nailed to their faces. Topman in particular was some kind of grungefest, where a hybrid species of Surfer/Emo had evolved.

I also noticed that stripes seem to be incredibly fashionable right now, especially stripey hoodies (to cater to the chav community no doubt). Burton had nothing but stripes and I left when I couldn't find a single fleece with a zip (not in season apparently).

And GAP - £40 for a pair of jeans? Are you having a laugh? Just because it's multi-tonal and has a couple of fashionable rips doesn't mean I'm gonna fork out an extra £30 for a pair. Torquer told me that Marks & Spencers do jeans that look exactly the same as GAP for half the price which made me feel somewhat better (he's a wealth of information that lad. Don't know what I'd do without him).

You may gather from all this that I don't go shopping often. The most I've spent on one piece of clothing was a pair of trainers for £40. The idea of spending more than £5 for a shirt or £10 for a pair of jeans makes me hyperventilate.

So we rounded off the day with a trip to the MetQuarter - where the most fashionable shops are situated (Gucci Exchange, Prada etc.). We didn't buy anything (far too expensive), but we did see Mikel Arteta and Tim Cahill shopping there.

People who watched the 2006 World Cup or are fans of the Australia national team may be familiar with Tim Cahill, who scored twice against Japan in the World Cup finals and was part of the team that nearly beat the eventual winners Italy - So he's pretty damn famous. I wanted to get my picture taken with him but my friends wouldn't allow it - they claimed that since we were Liverpool fans, it would be like fraternising with the enemy.

A shame really. Later on we watched a crappy Horror film.

I plan to go on another shopping expedition after my GCSEs. Hopefully then I'll actually buy something.

Sefton Park

2007-04-04T15:16:00.000+01:00

The phone starts ringing.

Oh God no, not again. I really should have learnt from the last time I left my cordless phone in my room. The room was basked in a golden glow as I groped for the phone.

Robin: Can you make to Sefton Park today?
Jingo: What? At this hour?
Robin: It's half ten, Jingo. It's hardly the early hours of the morning.
Jingo: (checks watch) Oh right... So what's this talk about going to the park? It's 6 weeks before the GCSEs! I'm not jeopardising my future just to have a frivolous game of football.
Robin: So? Stop being a loser.
Jingo: I have a study routine going on here, I can't abandon it! I have a future to work towards!
Robin: Seriously dude... You're beginning to sound like Torquer...
Jingo: What? No!
Robin: Even he's showing up...

As I was on the phone, I drew back the curtains to reveal a perfect spring morning - The radiant shimmering sun-drenched landscape of the outside world a perfect contrast to my depressingly dingy bedroom. I realised it would be criminal not to capitalise on such a fine day.

So I had no choice - I went to Sefton Park. We spent hours there kicking the ball around until the point where we couldn't move because of cramp.

I also learnt a valuable lesson - never wear glasses when playing football. Torquer somehow managed to smack the ball at my face from point-blank range, and my glasses managed to somehow dig into my eyes and fly off my face simultaneously. I stumbled around on the glass groping for them while he laughed in my face, feigning concern.

I was on my hattrick as well, the bastard.

So all thoughts of revision flew out of my mind. I may fail my GCSEs but atleast I got a decent game of football.

Thank God It Is Easter (Part 2)

2007-03-31T02:21:00.000+01:00

This goes beyond all common sense, but it seems like I’ll be pulling another all-nighter. What now Jingo, more important coursework that needs to be handed in tomorrow morning or you’ll have fail your course and die of shame? No. This time I’m keeping myself awake because I’m trying to prove a point by spending the entire night completing a chemistry revision guide. A Chemistry Revision Guide 127 pages long that’s stuffed with challenging questions and I intend to complete it, even if it takes the whole night. And I’m doing this, to prove a point - To myself. I think I’m going insane.

(I’ve just spent half an hour sitting in the dark mulling over my thoughts. That can’t be normal.)

And I’m doing this on the start of the Easter holidays, the English equivalent of the infamous Spring Break. Whenever I think “Spring Break”, I picture girls in small bikinis playing volleyball and basking in the sun whilst drinking pina coladas, or house parties where everyone is falling over and laughing and making out with each other (yes, I do realise I watch too many American teen movies) – so basically, people having excessive amounts of fun. Therefore it depresses me to be alone in the dark, trying to figure out the empirical formula of calcium carbonate while people half a world away are living it up without a care in the world. It sickens me how cruel life is.

So why don’t you stop subjecting yourself to this mental torture and get some sleep, you may ask. It’s not even like this remotely matters, or will have any impact on me at all – I won’t magically understand chemistry by doing this.

Since I'll have no study leave, this will be my only chance to revise properly before the exams begin in 6 weeks time. I intend to make the most of it, even if it damages my health.

So basically, my Easter won’t exactly be chocolate eggs and fluffy bunnies. At least that party-animal, wild-child Torquer will come round during the holidays – he’ll probably bring his lemon plant photo collection and rant about the benefits of a Mac, as he sneers at my pathetic Windows powered laptop. He’ll probably bore me into submission so I’ll have no choice but to study and revise.

And why the hell does no one buy me chocolate? It seems the school tradition of buying each other Easter eggs is restricted to just the girls. It’s either that or I’m incredibly unpopular/my friends are stingy bastards/no one is willing to spend money on me.

So anyway, I’m really looking forward to this relaxing break from school. Now if you excuse me, I have chemicals to calculate.

Note: I do realise I've repeated a lot of stuff from my last post. The last one didn't really express how I felt (and was kinda crap) so this one makes up for it.

Thank God Easter's Here

2007-03-30T19:58:00.000+01:00

This week has really drained the life out of me - I've been chasing coursework deadlines, depriving myself of sleep and generally fretting over the GCSEs that loom over me like a dark cloud. At this rate, my health will slowly deteriorate and I'll waste away as I walk further down the road to self-destruction. Will there be any respite?

Thank God Easter has come. It really couldn't have come sooner. I think the American equivilent is Spring break, which has always conjured up thoughts of bikinis and beaches and excessive fun (I have been watching too many American teen movies). It's depressing to know that I'll be spending "Spring break" sleeping, procrastinating and doing casual revision - so there'll be not an ounce of fun.

(I'll probably invite that party-animal wild-child Torquer to mine sometime in the holidays. He'll probably bring his potted plant photo collection to ease the boredom or somethin')

The Easter holidays gives me two weeks to recuperate, then there'll be just a month before I start sitting my GCSEs, something I've been working towards in the last few months. These two weeks will be devoted to working towards not screwing up.

In other news, I badly want a Nintendo Wii. Since I can't afford a PS3 and I hate all things Microsoft, I'll probably save up for one of these in the Summer.